If Winter Olympic Sports were Kenyon Students


Snowboarding enters Pierce, walking on the seal like they always do. The just came out of their 9:40 class where they made wildly outrageous comments, using the right words but always producing an incoherent conclusion. Snowboarding is the type of kid that doesn’t use shower shoes but does own a blow dryer. They’ve been known to fuck up royally, time and time again, but their friends forgive them and like to tell the story of that one time, freshman year, when Snowboarding did an air-to-fakie-mclovin-ollie-nickolas-cage-switch-flip-shaun-white-bring-back-your-long-hair-1080 out of the bullseye window.

Snowboarding settles down on old side with a Peirce Cup full of whole milk.

Figure Skating saunters into the servery with their clean white sneakers. They never cut through the lawns to get to buildings, hence the lack of mud on their shoes. Figure Skating thinks of the Great British Bake Off episode they were watching last night as they panini press their wrap. Taking a seat at a side table by the window, they open their planner and make a to do list. Figure Skating longs for warmer days when they can do the NY Times crossword alone on an Adirondack chair.

Figure Skating cooly sips their skim milk while thinking of Will Shortz.

Luge sides into the chair across from Figure Skating, dropping their messenger bag to the floor. Luge is the type of student who sits as close to the professor as they possibly can. Luge went to elementary school with Figure Skating. In the 4th grade Luge was known for being really small (4’3”) but also really fast in tag.

Luge tells Figure Skating about their morning while sipping soymilk.

Curling is excited because it’s one of those days where there isn’t any soup in Peirce, but rather the nacho bar. Curling takes a step back from the crush they are chatting up in the comfort line…Curling hasn’t done laundry since winter break. Bobsled asks Curling if they are driving to On The Run today to pick up a case. Curling uses cardboard from Keystone cases as room decor, but doesn’t feel like walking to South 2 to get their car to go to On The Run.

Curling fills up their cup with chocolate milk as Bobsled walks away.

Speed Skating glides into Peirce and immediately finds a table. They are great at scoring a table on new side even at the 6:10 pm rush. They sit down in their seat and pop an Advil–the tendinitis in the elbow of their dominant hand acts up now and again. Speed Skating walks into the servery thinking about how they are genuinely sad that KAC sushi is no longer. Waiting on line for their quesadilla, they crack their knuckles like they always do in a blue book exam. Speed Skating waves to their AT in the fusion line–Speed Skating really does like playing the spelling games during AT but pretends not to.

Speed Skating takes a seat at their table, glass of flax milk in hand.

We’re all champions here at Kenyon College, no medals needed. Except we want the medals. As of now, Norway has way more than us. Let’s change that. U.S.A. U.S.A.




Patriotism is the opiate of the masses.



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