Fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd:fwd: HEALTH BENEFITS OF REB WINE
H,AHA !! JANICE FOUND THIS MIME (IS THAT HOW THE KID S CALL IT?) ON THE FACEBOOK .. ENJOY
(this is a custom meme made my me, I’m sorry)
Hey honeydews, your favorite chicken nugget farmer with both an overbite and an underbite (me) just turned 21 (party popper emoji, saxophone emoji, baguette emoji) and I just cannot darn-tootin’ WAIT to break into the big city’s industry of bad decisions. Now that I’m an adult, I feel that it’s finally time to fill my gaping diaper-mouth with Drinks of Chemical Happiness instead of calcium-enriched strawberry baby formula. For this reason–and because I double major in Disappointing My Mother and Reckless Spending–I went ahead and crafted an independent study in which I milk the market for all of its wine like a big red cow. The syllabus requires weekly wine tasting (probably, like, two a week because mama’s gotta go drive the carpool to soccer practice and Timmy hasn’t even laced his cleats, meaning the hustle is on like BOGO on sensible shoes) and occasional blog posting in which I review and grade each wine based on a formula involving math and magic (somehow getting a score out of 15 at the end based on three point values on a scale of 1-5). I bribed every editor of The Thrill with a single carrot with a lick of hummus on the tip to let me share my adventure with you, the world of the wide web.
tl;dr: Yes I’m drinking every wine for sale at The Village Market(tm) in weekly-ish installments of nonsense. No I’m not actually doing it for course credit. No the points don’t matter. But what does matter is the friends we make along the way.
This episode features guest judges Mollie “Gluten Makes My Joints Turn to Goop” Greenberg ’19 and Devon “I Went Abroad So My Blood is Wine” Chodzin ’19, who will offer insightful critique in the form of emojis.
Our first victims
Rex-Goliath “The Legend” Pinot Noir
Summary: Forgive me Philander for I have sinned. It has been a Summer of Love since my last confession. We’re all wimpy children who can’t use wine openers so we drilled an actual hole in the cork with a Real Live Screwdriver. The cork whimpered like a permed poodle in the rain. You could hear all its dreams fading away like a nosebleed. When we fracked a gloryhole clean through the cork we tried first to turn the bottle upside-down and savor the drippy drippy, which kinda worked, but I could feel Dame Maggie Smith rolling in her stonecold queen mattress. Tasted like the sweat of a professional wrestler with a sharp ruggedness yet classical and soft good looks like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson (Blessed Be). You could get lost in his gemstone eyes until he gut-punches you, suplexes you, and tickles the butterflies in your liver with a chuckle the size of your heart. One of the butterflies lunges through the space where your front teeth used to be and sounds like the staccato whistle of the damp referee with a dadbod. You think this is love but you also can’t feel your brain and it may or may not be leaking out your ear canal. A smile shivers across your lips like unibrow or like a WWE championship belt. That’s definitely your brain on the mat.
On a scale of pops to daddy: paternal role model (3 points?)
How much Cool Mom cred you’d get if you fed it to your kids and their playdate guests: like 4, gosh
“Would you like the chicken or the fish?”: the chicken (4 points)
Total score: 11/15
Summary: There was no DRAMA to drinking this one because it had a child-friendly twisty top. The color of a secret like coming home past your curfew smelling like catfood and skinny dipping. This wine has a two-step taste and the first is like knowing something you shouldn’t know and the second is like gym socks from your brother’s laundry basket. The liquid itself was very reflective like the surface of a lake symbolizing the regret you feel for every second of high school. Not to be nasty, but the rate at which poop left my body directly after drinking this wine was RADICAL as firecrackers. Related? Possibly. My burps, though, tasted like a loved one farting in your general direction. And I savored every last one.
“Have you started the homework?” factor: 2
Resemblance of the lighting of Victoria’s Secret: $3 on sale (3 points)
Sharon from accounting got sloppy at the office party: flirty and forty = 4 points
Total score: 9/15
Next episode: Will Tyler learn how to open wine or poop smoothly? Will Mollie’s joints ever return to normal? Will Devon go a conversation without mentioning Poland and/or Berlin? Tune in to find out!