They’re here! Wiggin Street’s new line of light roasts was released this past week, and they’ve been a hit on campus—specifically, a smashing and much needed hit to this campus’s overblown ego! Whether you’re a coffee person or something other than carbon-based, there’s a new Wiggin’s light roast for everybody. The baristas customize each one! Here are a few of our favorites:

1. “Plain latte! Decafe to match your personality: all aesthetic no substance!”
2. “I recreated your male pattern baldness in the cappuccino art”
3. “Please take a shower.”
4. “I know you asked for it iced, but you’re already frigid as hell.”
5. “You asked for tea, so I spit in this cup a few times and stirred it around with my thumb—which has been up my butt—because that’s basically the same thing as Earl Gray.”
6. “Just take your pumpkin spice, clogs, and white feminism and leave.”
7. “Mudslide latte. Speaking of which, for the love of god flush after you’re done with the bathroom. And eat a damn banana every once and a while.”