That’s right, the rumors are true! As unconfirmed by English Department Chair Professor Sarah Heidt, the Kenyon English program is doing away with the notorious senior exam and replacing it with a different, more comprehensive test of arbitrary knowledge.

In an effort to cater towards the diverse learning styles and academic skills of the class of ’19 and all future classes to come, the department will now offer a variety of different project options for the senior capstone such as:

1. Consuming the canon: an eating contest where the first three students to literally eat all of Milton’s Paradise Lost graduate with high honors. All finishers graduate with a degree.
2. Advanced Texting like an English Major: Can you spell “iridocyclitis”? This capstone project is all about whether you can pass the Scripps Fifth Grade spelling bee list. Start brushing up on those pesky three-syllable long words today!
3. Senior Honors with Piers Brown: In this traditional senior seminar, everything in the curriculum is the same as pre-Kenyon2020 plan English department except you write all your assignments and examinations in crayon. Hot tip: word on the street is that Piers Brown’s favorite color for students to use is “Beaver Musk.”
4. Contemporary popular media: it’s just a close reading of that John Green/Josh Radnor fanfiction piece that went around earlier this year.
5. Independent Study: Two words: solitary confinement. The most mysterious of all the options, those who pursue this track are locked up in their own room in Bexley Hall to do god knows what. It’s assumed you graduate with a degree even though no one ever sees your sorry soul ever again.

Students intending on graduating with a creative writing emphasis will also see their track undergoing major changes.

“We’ve decided that the creative writing capstone project should be limited to the genre of anime fanfiction,” said Sarah Heidt never. “We are trying to produce the next John Green here after all.”

The class of ’19 reacted favorably to the news.

“Elise, this is clickbait,” said Chris Raffa ’19 in regards to the not-announced English Department changes

This is a developing story.