Hello everyone it is I, the Repeats Their Jokes Goblin! And boy oh boy, what a nightmare of a semester this has been. Winter lasted until late April, the campus is being torn up all around us, NightWorld chaos has erupted within our very library, the things we anticipated the most have been disastrous looks into our dark selves, and of course we are on the precipice of Sendoff. That’s right, we are staring headlong into the biggest party weekend of the semester, featuring three refugees from an alien dystopia in identical white turtlenecks playing computer noise at us before a hard cut into Kenyon’s premiere sadboi indie pop group, and of course, a party literally named for containing wild animals.

I could write a 10 o’clock list on this nightmare semester alone.

Given the chaos that has been and the chaos to come, it can be difficult to find a center that can hold. Luckily, I’m here to further bombard your senses with my favorite Kenyon specific jokes that I will never stop telling, because I think they’re funny every single time.

1. Little Kids in Peirce- Every single time I see a little kid walking around in the servery, I say, “Boy, every year these freshmen just keep getting younger!” This is never not funny. I say this, without fail, to whoever has the misfortune of eating a meal with me. Or if no one’s there, I will say it out loud to myself.
2. The Wood Blocks on the First Floor of Olin- Have you ever seen how sometimes instead of books there are just book-shaped blocks of wood on the shelves instead? This isn’t a joke. Sometimes there are just blocks of wood on the shelves, between books, with the call numbers on them and everything. Once, while showing a prospie around, I told him, “Our library is so advanced we actually get these books pre-paper. That’s right. Before they make the paper.” Now I tell everyone this every time they ask.
3. When It Rains on Middle Path- I call it Muddle Path. Shamelessly.
4. The Bolton Green Room- Is not even a little bit green. There is not a single green item in the whole thing, and nobody is as upset about this as I am. I always ask people “Why is it called the Green Room?” And they say “Because it is Chris!” because nobody there questions or cares, and it makes me sick.
5. “I’m More Well-Endowed Than This College” – Which I put on my Thrill application. And look at how far we’ve come.