Time to break out your ponchos and waterproof your laptops for behold: finals week is upon us! Whether you’ve got tests or you’ve got papers, whether it’s one thing or four, we’re all on this screaming struggle bus to hell-town together, but crying on the third floor of the library is overdone and sobbing in the graveyard is cliche. If your prime crying location has gotten stale, fret not, for the Kenyon 2020 plan has graced us with new real estate to drench in tears. Lucky for you, I’ve tried all four of them out.
If you like your sorrows to be as public as possible, I recommend the Library ditch. It’s central, public, it’s not much of a ditch anymore but that’s okay your final’s week isn’t looking that bad anyway. In all honesty, you’re crying here for convenience. You’re here to mooch off of discarded cigarette butts and because you can stop by Peirce in-between breakdowns.
By contrast, if you’re a Module ditch crier, you value your privacy. You like to tell people that the last time you cried, you were being expelled from utero and even then it was only slightly. In the module ditch, your soul is obscured by tarp, chain-link fence, some discarded soil, and a frigid exterior. You’re not even really crying in there–just tearing up. In all honesty, you could probably pass the watering eyes off as allergies or weed. But I get it, you have a reputation to maintain.
Now if you’re kicking it in the Bookstore crater, yours is an existential breakdown. You’re longing for the good-old days when everything sucked. Everything sucks now but it’s different and there are two exams standing in the way of you and summer. The only thing you have in life is asbestos and the free coffee at the bookstore during finals week.
The venn diagram of people who cry in the Lentz house ditch and people who wear clogs to hide their cloven feet is a circle. Isn’t even necessary to specify that you’re an English major? While you wait for that West quad to erect itself, you’re crying over all four of your final essays and hoping that John Green will notice you. Hot take: his next two protagonists’ names will be a handful of wingdings and Jacob but spelled with an “eigh.”