I love you

As a graduating senior, I’ve been saying a lot of hard goodbyes recently. I just had my last academic class ever. Soon, I’ll be saying goodbye to all my underclassmen friends and before you know it I’ll graduate and will be thrust, quivering and raw, into the real world. All goodbyes are different: somethings I’m happy to see the last of, others I’m not sure I can bear to let go. The KAC is in the latter category. That beautiful, shimmery behemoth tugs at my heartstrings every time I see it. Here’s what I’ll miss most about my sporty baby.

1. The Sauna. Because of the fluctuating weather, I recently withered to a husk, devoid of all moisture. A quick trip to the sauna in the “recreational” locker room in the KAC brought me back before I became a Flat Stanley lookalike. That kind of treatment cannot be ignored.
2. The Jump-rope Woven From Philander Chase’s Death Shroud. I’m always looking for ways to shake up my cardio routine, and this jump-rope has my back every time I hit the gym! Unlike ordinary jump-ropes, this one fills me with a dark, chaotic energy and makes me feel strong enough to burrow into the center of the earth. Thanks, jump-rope!
3. The Three-Eyed Man in the Weights Room. I always feel like this guy’s watching me, and I like that! He’s very strong, and sometimes he cries silent tears while staring at himself in the mirror. He hates squats, but knows that they’re an essential part of a thorough workout routine. He is very wise.
4. The Treadmill That Only Runs at 8 MPH. Whenever I run on this treadmill, I feel scared and exhilarated. While sprinting on it, I always see a shadow in my peripheral vision, but I can’t turn to look at it because I’m running so fast! What am I running from? What if, one day, it catches up to me?
5. The Loud Humming Emitting from the Shower Drain. Every day when I shower after my killer workout, I hear humming siphoning up out of the drain. It’s almost hypnotic, the sounds wooing me to come down into the drain and join in their song. One day I’ll join them. But then again, maybe I already have.