Hello, my fellow caffeine fiends! The end of the year has finally arrived and I can see many late nights and early mornings in our collective future. Personally, I’m a big fan of brightly colored energy drinks for getting through the insane amounts of work that we all have. My high school friends and I have been compiling a list of the best and worst energy drinks since we were first years, and it is now time to publish what we have learned. Here, to aid your indecisiveness and desire for the best of the best, are our well-researched ratings of energy and coffee drinks available at Kenyon. And while you’re at the Market, why not buy some ramen and wine (lists coming later this week!) to go along with your caffeinated poison?

Our rating system is based on flavor (5 points available) and effectiveness (5 points available) for a total of 10 possible points. Other details mentioned but usually not factored into the score are calories per ounce, milligrams of caffeine, and extra nutritional add-ins.

 

STARBUCKS

Doubleshot Energy: Hazelnut –– 8/10

• Favor: 4/5 –– Needs more hazelnut.
• Effectiveness: 4/5 –– Already feeling it right after drinking. Update 2 hours after drinking: still in the jittery phase but also very energized.
• 14 cal/oz, 145 mg caffeine, claims to give extra energy from vitamin B, guarana, and ginseng.

Doubleshot Energy: White Chocolate –– 7/10

• Flavor: 5/5 –– Creamy and not too sweet.
• Effectiveness: 2/5 –– I didn’t feel too energized but it got me through I guess.
• 14 cal/oz, 145 mg caffeine, claims to give extra energy from vitamin B, guarana, and ginseng.

Doubleshot Coffee+Protein: Vanilla Bean –– 6/10

• Flavor: 5/5 –– Not too sweet like some vanilla drinks and still tasted like coffee.
• Effectiveness: 1/5 –– Barely felt different.
• 18 cal/oz (-1 point for high calorie content), 110 mg caffeine, includes 20g of protein (+1 point for health)
• Honestly, skip this one if you’re drinking it for energy but it is nice that it has lots of protein so if you’re drinking this instead of a meal I’d say go for it.
• A different friend: “I would give it a 2.7/5 for energy because it is working on me decently.”

Doubleshot Coffee+Protein: Dark Chocolate –– 5/10

• Flavor: 4/5 –– Very sweet but in a good way.
• Effectiveness: 1/5 –– Really didn’t do anything for me.
• 19 cal/oz (-1 point), 110 mg caffeine, includes 20g of protein (+1 point)

MONSTER

Ultra Sunrise (orange can) –– 3/10

• Flavor: 1/5 –– So bad! Tastes like orange Emergen-C shit.
• Effectiveness: 2/5 –– I was so disgusted by the flavor that I felt sad and uncaffeinated.
• 0 cal, 151 mg caffeine

Ultra Violet –– 9/10

• Flavor: 5/5 –– I’ve never been a grape soda person but woah this was so good!
• Effectiveness: 4/5
• 0 cal, 151 mg caffeine

Ultra Blue –– 10/10

• Flavor: 5/5 –– It reminded me of blue raspberry or cotton candy.
• Effectiveness: 5/5
• 0 cal, 140 mg caffeine

Ultra Red –– 9/10

• Flavor: 4/5 –– I really like this one but it is super sweet. I think it’s supposed to be cranberry?
• Effectiveness: 5/5
• 0 cal, 140 mg caffeine

Ultra Black –– 8/10

• Flavor: 5/5 –– Very similar to the Ultra Red. Blackberry or cherry maybe? It has such a pretty purple color. I’m not sure how they make it without sugar but I love it.
• Effectiveness: 3/5 –– I felt caffeinated for a little bit but was yawing 6 hours later.
• 0 cal, 137 mg caffeine

Zero Ultra (white can) –– 5/10

• Flavor: 2/5 –– This one is kinda weird, it’s citrusy and sweet but has a very acidic aftertaste.
• Effectiveness: 3/5 –– Eh.
• 0 cal, 140 mg caffeine

Java: Salted Caramel –– 8/10

• Flavor: 3/5 –– Not super outstanding or creamy but enough for me to come back.
• Effectiveness: 5/5 –– I felt awake and didn’t have any jitters.
• 13 cal/oz, 188 mg caffeine

Java: Loca Moca –– 5/10

• Flavor: 3/5 –– This kind of tastes like metallic chocolate milk?
• Effectiveness: 2/5 –– Just drink regular coffee.
• 13.75 cal/oz, 188 mg caffeine

Java: Mean Bean –– 6.5/10

• Flavor: 4/5 –– This one definitely tastes the most like actual coffee but still has the metallic taste.
• Effectiveness: 2.5/5 –– Very average.
• 13.75 cal/oz, 188 mg caffeine

Rehab Tea & Energy: Lemonade –– 4/10

• Flavor: 1/5 –– Ew, it’s gross and worse than I remember! You can definitely taste the tea but, ugh, it’s so bad.
• Effectiveness: 3/5
• 20 cal total, 161 mg caffeine

Rehab Tea & Energy: Peach Tea –– 7/10

• Flavor: 4/5 –– I love this one but it does taste a bit like rat poison.
• Effectiveness: 3/5
• 20 cal, 161 mg caffeine

Original in the black can

• This smelled bad so I didn’t even drink it! I’m sorry but don’t drink this, it’s bad.

 

DUNKIN’ DONUTS

French Vanilla –– 8/10

• Flavor: 4/5 –– Very sugary but still good.
• Effectiveness: 5/5
• 18 cal/oz (-1 point), 171 mg caffeine

Mocha –– 6/10

• Flavor: 3/5 –– A little too sweet.
• Effectiveness: 4/5 –– This definitley worked but it made me more anxious than I would have liked.
• 21 cal/oz (-1 point because that’s so high!), 171 mg caffeine

 

 

There are many more drinks available at the Market, the Bookstore, and Mount Vernon groceries, but out of those rated here, I would recommend any of the Monster Ultras except for those with the orange and white cans. Or, like, sleep?