Finals are hard, high sodium intake is easy. Lillian Fox Peckos and I decided to dive into the world of salty, powdered MSG broth and slurp up everything it had to offer. We tried six different types of instant ramen from the market, which made our Old K double smell like dehydrated beef; but alas, it was all in the name of fine cuisine. What were our expectations? Umami.

We began our journey, like any good social scientists, by turning on the dulcet tones of Justin Bieber’s Despacito and exclaiming our clear biases about which ramen was the going to be the best.

Lillian Fox Peckos (LFP): “Oh baby I got the good shit, Shin Black ramen. Probably the best one ever.”

Jane Zisman (JZ): “We don’t know that yet, be professional.”

Shin Black Ramen 

This is the most expensive ramen at the market around $3 but it’s worth it because there is not one, but two broth flavor packets:

LFP: “It’s a white packet of creamy broth, but in a delicious way–another layer of flavor.”

JZ: “A thickener.”

LFP: “It balances all the flavors and binds them together.”

JZ: “What’s a roux? Like that soup thickener, you know?”

LFP: “Oh yeah, It might be roux. Isn’t that French?”

JZ: “Okay, it’s an asian packet of roux.”

LFP: “No one is going to know what that is.”

Statistics (scale from 1-10)

Flavor Profile: 9.5

Mouth Feel: 8.5 wasn’t consistent enough

Broth Complexity: 10 that double broth powder comes in hot

Fixin’s/Accoutrement (The weird veggie bits): 7.5

LFP: “I think that’s a whole piece of garlic* in there, I’ve never seen that before!”

JZ: “Are you sure it’s garlic?”

LFP: “Mhmm”

*it wasn’t garlic

Emotional Support: 10

LFP: “Shin black has got your back”

Which Celebrity Would Eat This: Matthew Gray Gubler and Jeff Goldblum (Lillian met him last summer and he kissed her on the cheek)

Overall: 9.6

JZ: “Also such classy packaging! Look at that typeface!!”

After our initial excursion into bowls of Shin Black ramen we waited two days and then bought five more types of ramen, because you know, portion control.

JZ: “Oh my god the beef one looks so bad. It looks gray—I think I’m going to like the beef the best though…”

LFP: “I think I’m definitely going to like the shrimp.”

JZ: “Okay smell each one.”

Spicy Chicken

We were initially happy with the mouth feel but then decided the broth was just spicy water and we couldn’t even find the “fixin’s/accoutrement”.

LFP: “Ew”

Statistics

Flavor Profile: 4

Mouth Feel: 9

LFP: “Good noodles.”

JZ: “Good noodles.”

Broth Complexity: 3

Fixin’s/Accoutrement: 2

JZ: “It’s just like a little chicken goiter and some tiny carrots. Tastes like nothing, just sort of bouncy.”

LFP: “But chives, that’s good.”

Emotional Support: 7 gets the jobs done

Which Celebrity Would Eat This: Justin Long would eat this alone

Overall: 6.3

Beef

JZ: “It’s gray. It’s grayer than the others”

*takes first bites*

LFP: “That’s a full body broth”

JZ: “This gray soup is good, damn!”

LFP: “Excellent broth, wow!”

JZ: “Unexpected delight!”

Statistics

Flavor Profile: 7.5

Mouth Feel: 9

Broth Complexity: 8.7

Fixin’s/Accoutrement: 2

LFP: “Where are the accoutrement?”

JZ: “I want a little bit to feel like I ate it.”

*eats bit of beef*

“Blah, bad jerky.”

Emotional Support: 7

Which Celebrity Would Eat This: Ron Weasley

JZ:  “A Brit would eat this for sure.”

Overall: 7

Spicy Seafood:

JZ: “Look at those chives!”

LFP: “No, it’s seaweed!!—It tastes like a fish cake.”

Statistics:

Flavor Profile: 7

Mouth Feel: 8.7 initial punch, but not the best flavor after the fact

LFP: “So soft, almost feels like an Udon.”

Broth Complexity: 5 not very impressive

Fixin’s/Accoutrement: 7

JZ: “Accoutrement out of this world because of the seaweed, but also, I don’t want it. Why did I get stuck eating all the bits?”

LFP: “You are the accoutrement girl.”

Emotional Support: 4

Which Celebrity Would Eat This: Liza Minnelli playing Lucile 2

Overall: 6.6

Kimchi

It just tastes good, we are not so sure how it is Kimchi flavored though. LFP claims there’s a hint of sourness.

Statistics:

Flavor Profile: 7

LFP: “We cannot rate this over beef!”

Mouth Feel: 9

Broth Complexity: 6

Fixin’s/Accoutrement: 5

JZ: “This category is really just crap chunks from the dregs of the ocean.”

Emotional Support: 8

LFP: “This one emotionally supports me.”

Which Celebrity Would Eat This: A member of Whitney and Ezra Koenig also LFP

Overall: 8

Spicy Shrimp:

JZ: “I don’t know if it was the right move to save this one for last…”

LFP: “Yeah, this has a funky smell.”

JZ: “Describe it in detail please.”

LFP: “Pungent, china town fish market.”

Statistics:

Flavor Profile: 6 Squid flavor kinda gross

Mouth Feel: 8

Broth Complexity: 4.5

Fixin’s/Accoutrement: 5

JZ: “That is the smallest shrimp I’ve ever seen! How do they make it this size?!”

LFP: “Shrimp abortions.”

Emotional Support: 3

LFP: “I don’t think I would get this even if I was really desperate, I would probably get beef.”

JZ: “I don’t think beef is a desperate move.”

Which Celebrity Would Eat This: The waitress from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

JZ: “Who would eat this?”

LFP: “No one I would want to be around, like some obnoxious pescitarian.”

Overall: 4.5

Final Standings (1=Best 6=Worst): 1) Shin Black, 2) Kimchi, 3) Beef, 4) Spicy Seafood, 5) Spicy Chicken, 6) Spicy Shrimp.

LFP: “I’m going to finish the Kimchi.”

JZ: “I’m going to finish the beef..it is gray though.”

LFP: “You know I would like the Kimchi because I like anything that is fermented.”

JZ: “You know I like beef because… I like weird beef…?”

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“That was gross. I’m gonna shit a brick.”

“I want mango lassi.”