I forced a bot to read over 1,000 Kenyon allstus and asked it to write an allstu. Here is the result:

TO: ALLSTU@KENYON.EDU

SUBJECT LINE: LAST CHANCE FOR THE MUSIC LESSONS

A greeting to the Sad Children!

The Music Lessons march to their deadline like ominous ants. But– worry not, young Revelers:

[image result for John Green Contemplating. The teeth…they come out of hiding]

The registrar will cradle you gently until 4:69 PM

A sweet plea for your presence that does not reveal how desperate I truly am.

Signs off wetly,

Professor Spiderman

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The Kenyon Thrill