Look at my dog. He’s the most beautiful ugly dog on this side of the space/time continuum. I love my dog. He keeps me warm. He keeps me young. He smells like feet and sunshine. His name is Rhubarb, which is short for Rhubarbara, which is short for Rutabagababushka. Named after my grandfather. My dog could beat your dog in any contest. Spitting for distance? Setting cakes on fire? Eating hay? I’ve never seen something eat so much hay. A lawnmower with saliva. Wonderful.
Please don’t call my dog mean names. He is a sensitive dog because of his five hearts. He is not and has never been a b*nny. My dog deserves the best. My dog got a perfect score on his PSAT. My dog is a prodigy on the mandolin. My dog has a trilogy deal with Penguin Books. Please be nice to my dog.
I interviewed an expert on my dog (me) for further insight into this mythical creature.
ME: Where did he come from?
ME2: A special purgatory called central Pennsylvania. He prefers not to talk about it.
ME: On a scale of can’t hang to breakfast burrito, is he a walking campus?
ME2: He has a PhD.
ME: Can he fly?
ME2: His curfew is 10:30pm.
ME: How many years?
ME2: He’s a fresh pumpkin. This is why he’s so talented in sports.
ME: Does he bite?
ME2: He will bite anything which smells like celery. Once I made my room smell like a pine grove and it made him so munchy. Everything was celery. Nothing was safe.
ME2: The Wise and Fuzzy Egg.
ME: Major, minor, concentration?
ME2: The real question is, I’ve never seen him sleep, when does he sleep, what terrifying doom machine is he building, why doesn’t he invite me to his slumber parties
ME: Who would win in a four legged race, ME and ME2, or the dog?
ME2: The concept of victory is beneath my dog. To win means to not lose. My dog contains all possibilities.
ME: Favorite member of the Wiggles?
ME2: My dog loves all Wiggles. If you’re a Wiggle, my dog loves you. If you’re not a Wiggle, he loves you too.