“College will make KAC hill less steep with dirt from library”
This headline, from a recent article published in The Kenyon Collegian, outlines a plan to use the ashes of our soon to be cremated Olin Chalmers Library to make the KAC hill just a tad less of an athematic’s worst nightmare. Just to be clear, this is not satire.
Now at this point, we’re all just waiting for Olin to be blown up. Make it a student engagement event; have us play games, chase golf carts (à la Pete Davidson spring 2k18) and fight to the death to be the one who gets to push the detonator button that sends Olin into the beyond. Don’t play us dirty and just build a wall around her. Blow up Olin.
But after this singular moment of destruction, Olin should be treated with some goddamn respect. Rather than use the dust of Olin to make the KAC hill slightly less steep, and to reiterate “it’s still going to be pretty steep” and a car is still suggested if you have “an obstacle to mobility”, couldn’t Olin’s ashes be laid to rest in other places? Shouldn’t the concrete exterior and slight purple themed interior be woven into the fabric of our community and never forgotten?
Instead of being used as packing peanuts which will make no real difference to KAC hill accessibility, here are some ideas for where Olin’s ashes should go:
- In the salad bar trough next to the jello in Peirce
- On the spice rack in Peirce
- In the foundation of the new apts that flood
- In an urn
- In an urn placed on old side (urn aesthetic is old side aesthetic)
- In a time capsule
- Sprayed through the air once a week so it fills our lungs and our bodies become one with the building
- Made into spackle for my wall after I incorrectly rip the command strips off and tear a chunk of wall out
- Used in a remake of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hollows Part II in that weird, made up for the movie scene where Voldemort’s face breaks into a million fragments of what I can only assume are CGIed toiler paper, but this time the fragments are pieces of Olin
- Nowhere, just let Olin rest in peace on the plot of land Philander Chase said would do just fine