Happy Brunch, children! Welcome to the first installment of a potential new regular segment (depending on if it’s funny or not lol) called Nate’s Cookbook.
Here’s the deal. My name is Nate Winer, I’m a senior, and I can’t cook for shit. I’m just bad at it. I’m not proud of this, I don’t want it to add to that whole collective of men who are weirdly boastful about their inability to do easy household tasks. But for the time being I’m just so godawful at making food for myself that we at the Thrill decided I should have what is, essentially, a cooking segment. Solid.
So first up, just in time for B R U N C H, scrambled eggs! We all love this yellow egg mess, served up hot and shiny in Peirce every morning. But if you’re looking to make yourself some of this savory breakfast treat, there’s a few ways to go about doing it.
The two main ways to make scrambled eggs are the “Hey, I made scrambled eggs!” method, and the “Oops, goofed up these eggs pretty bad” method.
Method One: Hey, I made scrambled eggs!
- Get some eggs: you can have one egg, two eggs, three eggs. You could also do four eggs, five eggs I guess. Depending on if you’re serving more than just yourself, you can even have five plus eggs. Play this one by ear, really.
- Put some butter or grease in your pan: Get that pan real slick, real slide-ready. Your eggs are looking for a smooth ride.
- Crack all your eggs: Very important not to get any of the shells in there. One time someone made me scrambled eggs and there was a little shell in there, and honestly I was fine but it really ruined most of my morning.
- Fuck it up and make it hot: This is the most important step. Get all your shell-less eggs into that slick pan, then just really mess ‘em up. I mean, really go to town on those bad boys. Use a whisk or a spatula or whatever, and just take out aggression on those eggs. Also, the stove should be on. Make it very hot. Don’t touch the stove or the pan with your hand, but it should be hot, and you should be fucking up those eggs.
- Hey, you made scrambled eggs!
Method Two: Oops, goofed up these eggs pretty bad.
- Plan to make any egg dish besides scrambled eggs: This method works if you want some other kind of egg dish. If you want to make an omelet*, but actually want some scrambled eggs, this is the move.
- Make that omelet: Go through most of the steps to make an omelet. I’m not going to list them here, though. This is the scrambled eggs guide. If you want omelets look up an omelet guide. You’re all adults, I don’t need to hold your hand through this.
- Wreck your omelet accidentally: Go to flip the omelet (an integral part in the omelet process, I’m assuming) and just. Really whiff that one. Just ruin your omelet entirely. Split it in half or something, smash one end of it with your spatula or whatever. It doesn’t matter how you do it, as long as you wreck the egg form beyond repair.
- Admit defeat: Take a second, look down at your once-omelet and really accept that you fucked it up. Breathe a heavy sigh. Maybe mutter something like, “aw man, my good omelet dish is all shot to hell,” or “shit, really blew it in the egg department today.” Acceptance is the first step towards acceptance.
- Fuck it up (more) and make it hot: Well, you’re already here. Might as well continue to fuck it up, keep making it hot. You know the drill.
- Oops, goofed up these eggs pretty bad. But, hey, at least you have some scrambled eggs. Be grateful you have eggs at all.
- *as it turns out I’ve been misspelling the word omelet for years and years. who says the Thrill isn’t educational?
So, okay. That was fine I guess. Thanks for coming, hope this was something? Stay tuned for more, maybe. Much love, have a good day.