You need to stop forming a hoard. I cannot navitage Middle Path when you clot up the main artery of this campus. For example, last evening I was walking home from my duty round because I’m a CA who signed up to be RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS, and a huge mass of you come barraling towards me with the force of an impending colon blowout. I’m forced to jaywalk and proceed to have a 10 minute conversation with the sheriff about my IRRESPONSIBILITY while you stumble past, pee behind a pine tree, and defile the good name of The Kenyon Thrill by placing us in the same sentence as Buzzfeed. Go figure out what Disney princess you are based on your kink. I’ll be here waiting. Don’t even tell me how your weekend was.

“My weekend was bad, because I was forced to jaywalk.”

There you go. You want salt. You got salt. At least you won’t form any goiters soon. Get away from me and do these things.

What:  Women’s Rugby

• GO.

When: THIS SATURDAY

Where: RUGBY FIELDS

What: Kenyon College Men’s Soccer vs Centre College

• If you really want to know, yes. I did apply to Centre College. My overnight there was perhaps one of the worst experiences of my life. I could recount it in detail, but three words summarize it best: vomit in coffin. That’s right. My saturday overnight peaked when a frat man lifted a coffin he and serveral other mans were carring and vomited directly into it. I was told that this was “tradition” and “fun.” Being my pure highschool self, I told my host that I needed to leave. In no mood to go, she kept me at the coffin vomit party. I called my brother six times while bending my knees ontop of a platform in that frat house. I was referred to as a “PS” (prospective student) along with others of my ilk. I learned that Ray-Rose was hot stuff and most guys wanted to hook up with her. I was told that I would probvably go to Kenyon because of my “aura.” Through it all — the sweat-soaked Avicii and Beyonce — I wanted a smoothie. My host delayed the offer by taking her turn to vomit into the coffin. Later that evening she blended a yoplait with water in her magic bullet. What she produced was my “smoothie.” My host tried to friend me on Facebook. I said no. I hope she reads this one day and realizes that Centre College, for all its faults, did give me the best college shirt ever (sorry Kenyon). Centre can SMD tho. Go LArds.

When: Tuesday, September 18 at 4:15pm to 6:15pm

Where: MavICKY field