An Exposé on Love, Mail Crime, and Kenyon’s Finest



Very loosely based on a true story 

It’s a fine fall/summer/swelteringly hot day of 90 degrees at Kenyon. You’re walking down the street and the birds, or should I say the construction sounds, are screeching and you’re headed to the bookstore to pick up your package. It’s your birthday. Mom sent you a box which you can speculate is probably filled with candy, cough drops, cough medicine, allergy medicine, tea, more tea, some more tea, your retainer that you “forgot at home”, and finally your birthday present which is a nice fat check. You stroll into the bookstore, down the stairs, and you wait on line behind all the sweaty students until finally it’s your turn. You say your name casually looking down at your phone, but wait there’s more. As the nice woman begins to inform you that they don’t have your package your heart begins to sink. Not have my package?? It’s my birthday! I got an email! You begin to explain the situation. You show them your email you state your name. With a confused look the nice woman breaks the news: Someone. Stole. Your. Package.


You walk outside. Devastated. Lost. Hopeless. Sans package.

You try to enjoy your birthday but it’s hard. Mom calls and you have to break the news. She paid for express shipping. It’s tragic. WHERE COULD YOUR PACKAGE BE.

Two days later…

Still no word of package. You see that someone on facebook has messaged you.

“Hi! Insert name of student from Kenyon. I think I accidentally took your package from the bookstore! Also… I opened it I’m so sorry!! Is this you? *Sends picture of opened package with your name on it*”

You are enraged. You look at his name. A name that couldn’t be more different from yours. He opened your mail wtf!? You click his facebook with a rage burning in your soul … And yet …

In his profile picture he is wearing cuffed pants, he has tortoise rimmed glasses, he’s carrying a Moleskine notebook, he loves his mom, and HE’S FROM BROOKLYN???!

You realize you have overreacted.  After all it’s only a felony and this could be love at first steal. 


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