How to Plan the Depressing Kenyon Wedding of Your Dreams


what would their wedding hashtag be?

Our flashy, heteronormative, materialistic culture here in America has caused a lot of people to dream of their expensive, bombastic weddings, with ornate tiered cakes reaching the ceilings and fountains of shrimp and diamonds or whatever. But the American sitcom has also peddled another, equally ill-fated ideal, that of the impromptu wedding. Eloping, planning a big wedding and abandoning it to do some unofficial affair with your friends, getting drunk and forgetting you got married: these days it’s all about making your wedding as unexpected as possible and providing little to no notice that it’s happening at all. Which begs the question: if I want to get married right here and now, at Kenyon College, and only have access to the bookstore and the Market, what kind of shindig could I throw? What hootenanny would await my guests? What would I wear?

What would I serve? 

For dinner, you gotta keep things simple. Nab some Campbell’s from the Market and give ’em soup. They won’t complain about there being too little to be filling because no one gets full on soup!

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To drink, pick up some Andre or something. It’s champagne so it’s kinda classy, right?

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All right. Dessert. A lot is riding on this. The way I see it, you have two options. Get a bunch of Fry Pies or pick up, uh, whatever this thing is.

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Serve it all on paper plates.

How would I decorate?

This column of stuff at the bookstore looks promising. I’m not sure what any of it is, but it looks nice.

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Now, you must get centerpieces or everyone will make fun of you behind your back. This thing of milk chocolates looks fancy enough, I think, and will maybe assuage some of your guilt when it comes to not having almost any food.

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Get one of those fancy art notebooks to make banners or streamers or signs or whatever. It’s your wedding.

What would I wear?

Now, this is the big one. A wedding is only as good as its attire after all. But you’re in luck! The bookstore has a whole assortment of Kenyon themed merch to satiate all your fashion needs. The groom/best man/whoever wants a vest can try this thing on for size.

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But the dress! Every wedding needs a showstopper dress. How about this Vineyard Vines Kenyon shirt that we’re selling for some fucking reason in, like, two sizes larger than you’d normally wear? This is a dress that would make your mother cry when she sees you walk down the aisle. Assume it’s a good thing.

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And what would the ring be? 

What else? It’s gotta be these tiny hand things.

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