If Resumes Were Honest



When you’re job hunting, you’re supposed to put your best foot forward. To get on the grind you’ve got to sell yourself. Capitalism wants you to dress it up and make it look sexy. Employers want you to give ’em the lowdown in a condensed twelve by eight and a half piece of paper. For those of you looking for direction on how to spruce up those resumes, here’s how not to do it:

Summer Janitor, Elementary School | June 2015 – August 2016

  • Cleaning and sanitizing bathrooms every time my boss took a particularly rank shit
  • Listening and singing along to Cyndi Lauper’s Time After Time on repeat
  • Reading and writing k-pop fan-fiction while waiting for paint to dry
  • Washing windows and drawing penises in the suds

Lifeguard, Happy Go-Guppy Swimming School | May 2012 – August 2015

  • Pretending to be able to see patrons even though I’m not wearing my glasses
  • Restraining myself from blowing my whistle at patrons I do not like
  • Allowing a rude child to ask me “riddles” (read: questions about himself and his life) and let him call me an idiot to my face every time I don’t know the answer
  • Looking the other way when the same kid clearly takes a piss in the shallow end

Deliveryman, Panera | May 2018 – August 2018

  • Letting a rude elderly man berate me for taking too long with his lunch even though I was, in fact, six minutes early
  • Lying about forgetting a cookie because I actually ate it on the drive over
  • Exchanging awkward small talk with Jim, the other driver, who is in his late sixties and who smells like a horse all the time for some reason

Bear Builder, Build-a-Bear Workshop | May 2018 – August 2018

  • Getting severely concussed, somehow, in a shop that is 80% stuffing
  • Fisting stuffed animals
  • Providing customer service to both real-life furries and bronies and pretending like nothing is wrong
  • Ignoring “I need it nice and hard because I’m a FUCKING FURRIE” while on the stuffing machine

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