Parents weekend is truly a time. A moment in time. A collection of moments in time which we call collectively a weekend. What a nice invention that humans made. They made the week and then they said, heck, we have this dangling clump of time like a juicy juicy Golden Delicious and we gotta do something with it, heck, or else nothing will be done with it. Someone said we can call it the end! And everyone agreed that was a terrible idea. But because the guy who suggested that was just so very pathetic everyone decided to squish the week and the end together and call it a weekend. What should we do with it? a voice rose from the crowd. In a peal of genius, somebody responded nothing. A wave of spearmint feeling fell over the universe.

Anyway, we all have someone in our lives who for some reason feels entitled to offering us advice even if we didn’t ask for it. And we all have someone in our lives who for some reason we feel entitled to give advice to even if they didn’t ask for it. For the sake of argument, we’re going to call this someone

DADDY-O

SEBASTIAN

MOM

Below are some things maybe you said or maybe mom said. Feel free to guess along!

1. “Watch your language. Heidegger says that language is a thinging. And once you thing a thing you can’t unthing a thing. You thang that thing and that means the thing is thung.”
2. “Nobody’s ever gonna love you if you don’t clean this floor. And you want someone to love you, don’t you? You want someone to love you so furiously that your name swallows their mind like a deep perfume even when you’re not around? You want that someone to drop everything and come to your side when you fall and eat rocks on Middle Path because you were frightened by a squirrel with particularly profound muscle depth? And wouldn’t you want that someone to suck all those rocks from your lungs and swallow them, to have a little piece of you?”
3. “Ok but you don’t know what it’s like to be obedient to some strange spell which urges you from all reposing. You say you know what it’s like to hear the calling bell when round us evening shades are closing. But you don’t. You just don’t. Don’t talk to me until your mem’ry dwells dear past supposing in meadows sweet with asphodel.”
4. “No really you have to try it. It’s so good. It just really calms you down. It just makes the universe feel more balanced, like everything’s shining in its own space, you know? And suddenly your brain feels bright and fertile like a freshly mowed lawn. It’s bigger than peaceful. It’s not hard at all. We can calculate everything online. When were you born?”

5. “T  A  G      Y  O  U  R  S  E  L  F“

6. “I learned in my Quest for Justice class that justice is a process and not an object and remember all those times you grounded me yeah you do yeah all those time you thought you were just the Platonic ideal of justice didn’t you well you know what maybe you were I don’t know the professor didn’t grade my paper yet on how you were the antithesis of Platonic justice”
7. “Tune into WKCO 91.9 to catch me making cat mewl sounds in a dank attic while that sweet sweet symphony of wrecking balls turns the library into a lego set. Today’s special guest will be the ghost of my favorite library carrel, Brenda.”
8. “ARE YOU PLANNING TO TAKE ADD/DROP DEADLINE FOR PRIVATE MUSIC LESSON ENSEMBLE? PLEASE READ.”
9. 

Answer key:

You to “mom”: 3, 6, 7, 9

“Mom” to you: 1, 2, 8

“Both”: 4, 5

Thanks to the Happy Herbalist for that Kombucha recipe couldn’t have done it without you pal