Do you ever find yourself creating complex narratives of the events that lead to one person paying another person via Venmo? How often is too often to scroll through your Venmo feed? These questions are pressing to me. It’s Halloween and nothing is spookier than a Venmo mystery left unsolved. In the spirit of these cold cases, I thought would explore some examples of Venmo transactions that I’ve been overthinking recently, along with a brief analysis.

The Person You’re Hooking Up With to The Person You Were Worried They Were Hooking up With Also

for “spooky time”

• (The person you are hooking up with needed fake blood from Walmart but didn’t want to start a whole new transaction. Sounds like a shitty date, you two. Lame.)

Somebody You Talk To Only When You’re At The Same Party but Definitely Wouldn’t Sit With In Peirce to A Person You Only Say Hello to At Parties But Completely Different Parties than Person One Would Ever Be Going To

for ” *a pumpkin emoji* ”

• (Why are these people hanging out? Why are they buying Halloween supplies? Are they close enough to plan this far ahead for Halloween?)

A Person You Know Sells Drugs charged A Person You Know Buys Drugs

for “the blood of goblins”

• (haha, get it? We all know it’s for drugs so it’s funny????)

A Friend of a Friend That Paid for Your Chipotle Once So Now You’re Friends on Venmo to A Sorority / Outdoors Club / Neuroscience Club / Varied Groups 

for “pie lol”

• (You made the mistake of making eye contact with the Shocktoberfest tablers, my friend.)