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Buongiorno  Kenyon students, Nate Winer here once again to bring you some hot and fresh cooking tips. So. Here’s the skinny. It’s one in the morning and I am drunk and I want a pizza more than I want breathable air right now. So I guess it’s time to show you how to make A Whole Pizza. This should be cool, let’s do it.

One Whole Pizza Yum Yum:

  1. Make sure this is playing while you cook.
  2. Make Some Dough: I think for this you mostly get flour and water? Mix it up so it’s kind of soft, kind of gooey. Leave it out to dry I think. Heat it up gently, using a hairdryer or several small candles (don’t tell your CA) until it’s a nice round dry boy.
  3. Flip That Shit: You’ve seen movies. You gotta toss that gosh darn dough! Get it spinning real good on your fingers like a basketball and then throw it skyward. Be careful! If you throw it too low, it won’t get the good Pizza Spins that you need to make a good pizza, but if you throw it too high a large and angry bird might swoop in and grab it, and then you’ll need to start all over. Honestly making sure there aren’t any malicious birds around is a good thing to do before attempting a pizza.
  4. Procure Tomatoes: I have no idea where or how or when tomatoes grow. My gut says they’re a vine plant, but they could easily grow on a bush and I would have no idea. I think my grandparents used to grow tomatoes, so you can call my grandma I guess?
  5. Call My Grandma: My Grandma Sue is a lovely woman, and though she fully admits she’s not much of a chef, she’s great for a chat. Ring her up, tell her how school’s going, if there are any special someones in your life. She might be able to tell you where to get tomatoes, or she just might be a nice listening ear, but either way, things will be better after you talk to my grandma. Love you, grandma.
  6. CHEESE: Get cheese from the store! It has to spread really well on the pizza, so while the dough is still heating up with the candles, put the cheese in a blender. The more liquid-y it is at the beginning, the easier it will spread.
  7. Smash Your Tomatoes: Hopefully by now you or my grandmother have figured out how to get tomatoes, so you gotta squash those bad boys. Really stomp ’em good, like each and every one of them is Brandon, your childhood bully who wouldn’t let you sit in the back of the bus where the cool kids sat and you had to listen because he was a Fifth Grader and you were just a lowly fucking Third Grader. Fuck Brandon, and fuck these tomatoes. Make them feel it.
  8. Make It All Toasty Warm: Once you’ve spread this tomato paste and the wet, liquid cheese all over your hot dough circle, crank up the heat even more so it all solidifies into a hard, delicious pizza crust.
  9. Wow! You Made A Whole Pizza! Yum Yum!

If this works at all that’s wildly impressive. I’m less drunk than I was when I started, but still just drunk enough to feel like I did a good job at this. Anyway. In the immortal words of the tiny cartoon Julius Caesar that dominates the logo of the chain named in his honor: “Pizza Pizza.” Love you, see you next time, bye.

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