Kenyon Hexes for your Kenyon Exes

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Halloween is a spooky time, but you know what’s even scarier? Horrible, terrible, no-good, very bad EXES! Not all our exes are demons, but wouldn’t it be nice if we could teach the gross ones a lesson? In a way that doesn’t involve direct confrontation? Good news, spooks– there is a way! Here are some quick and easy hexes, curses, and charms to cast on that one person you wish would just disappear. A spellbook isn’t necessary– only the will to bring pain (or at the very least discomfort) to those who have wronged you. Let’s get started!

Haunted Peirce Cups
Ingredients:

  • 2 Peirce cups
  • An ex who was also a Peirce cup thief

Instructions:

  1. Enter Peirce before midnight
  2. Once the bell tower strikes twelve, take two red Peirce cups and place them under the light of the full moon
  3. Whisper the name of your ex, followed by “bring our boys home”
  4. Take the cups and place them outside your ex’s door or window

Results:
Just as vengeful ghosts rattle their chains into the dead of night, these two Peirce cups will clatter together non-stop whilst hovering around your ex’s head. Not only will it be incredibly annoying, but it will also remind them of their privileged, environmentally unfriendly SINS. Forever!

The Single-Stall Curse
Ingredients:

  • 1 piece of toilet paper from every single-stall restroom on campus
  • 1 metal lock and key

Instructions:

  1. Wrap the metal lock in the toilet paper
  2. Flush the key down any toilet
  3. Put the lock under your pillow
  4. Think of the worst Peirce shits imaginable before you go to sleep

Results:
Your target will experience the WORST Peirce shits ever… but that’s not all. Whenever they try to enter a single-stall restroom to… y’know, deal with the shits in private, the door will always be locked. Just make sure to never use the public bathroom after them and you’re set.

The Helium Hex
Ingredients:

  • 1 balloon
  • 1 marker
  • 1 copy of a syllabus for a class you and your ex are both in (yikes!)

Instructions:

  1. Inflate the balloon with helium
  2. Use the marker to draw a likeness of your ex’s visage onto the balloon
  3. Tape the balloon to the class syllabus

Results:
Is your ex one of those people who speaks in class for about twenty minutes, yet contributes nothing of value to the conversation? Do you feel like they’re constantly talking out of their butt without having done the reading? This spell will change that very quickly. From now on, any time your ex tries to speak in the class you’re both in, their voice will come out all high-pitched like after you’ve sucked in a breath of helium. What’s that? Sorry, I can’t hear you over your squeaky mouse voice and the sweeping generalization you just made about a very specific portion of the text!

Rock In Your Shoe
Ingredients:

  • 1 pair of shoes, identical to a pair your ex has
  • 1 rock from Middle Path

Instructions:

  1. Place the Middle Path rock into one of the shoes
  2. Walk around in a circle reverse-clockwise for 60 seconds while shaking the shoe
  3. Be careful that the rock does not fall out of the shoe while you’re shaking it (Tip: you can put your hand over the shoe hole if it helps)

Results:
Every time your ex sets foot on Middle Path, a rock will instantaneously appear in their shoe. This rock will not come out of their shoe until they leave Middle Path. Warning: may cause foot blisters and mild bleeding!

Cursed Registration
Ingredients:

  • 1 hair from the head of someone from the Registrar’s Office
  • A laptop
  • String
  • Fake candles

Instructions:

  1. Use the string to make a pentagram
  2. Place a fake candle at each point
  3. In the center, place the laptop with the course catalog open in your browser
  4. Place the hair in a glass of water and drink it
  5. Close your eyes, meditate, and say, Error, please reload six times in a monotone

Results:
During registration, your ex will be locked out of every single class. Not only that, but the Error, please reload page will pop up every time they try to sign up for something. Better call Helpline and re-evaluate your schedule. The good pre-1700’s English class is already full.

I hope these hair-raising hexes have been to your liking. The Kenyon Thrill is not liable for any harm caused by these curses. If you’re seeking to get a hex removed, feel free to schedule an appointment with the Health Center. Otherwise, good luck (and treat your partners well– they know how to curse you properly now!).

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