Now we all bust a nut for guac in the servery or when a professor cancels class, those are your basic college student turn-ons; but what about those niche habits or occurrences that only happen here, within the insular, physically fragile walls of Kenyon College? So, because I know you were wondering, here’s a list of what really makes Kenyon kids kinky like nothing else:
1. The New Side Table Power Stride. You’ve been cozily situated at a side rectangle table since 4:00pm, perfect for surveying the social experiment that is dinner time. The 5 o’clock early bird supper rush has started to occur and New Side is more packed than usual due to daylight savings time’s affect on the college student internal clock. Tables are being claimed quickly now when they enter New Side. They spot one side rectangle in the distance. You watch. They stride, claiming their table with the intensity of their stare and the erect manner of their walk. The power stride has worked. They have claimed the side table. It was hot.
2. Avoiding the Brisk, I Just Want Water, Peirce Cup Tilt. There’s a line for water. You let your mind wander while your eyes move in and out of focus on the “no ice and pop may be warm” sign. That’s when you glimpse it out of the corner of your eye: the tilt. The graceful body in front of you has perfected the one handed-water-lever-push-avoid-the-Brisk-ice-tea-tilt. You’re so dizzy and breathless in their wake that you fuck up completely and get mostly Brisk, unable to recreate their perfect form. (Note: this is most common for First-Years.)
3. Turning on the Overhead Lights in Ascension 2nd or 3rd Floor Study Space. You enter what was formally known as Philo? (I haven’t heard it referred to as such since they added the Olin desks, can we discuss this more in depth at a later time?) It’s dark. Each student sits slumped in their seat, struggling to read by the florescent light of their desk lamp. You smile to yourself as you put your backpack down, thinking, I can’t wait to rock everyone’s world. You saunter over to the overhead light switch. The lights come on and the room is transformed. Everyone gasps and looks around, wanting to know who made them cream their jeans.
4. Getting Table Fries. Lunch had been average. You ate but weren’t satiated, a classic. You’re about to just get coffee and head out early, maybe call your mom or whatever, when they set the plate down. Oh yes. Table fries. With. All. The. Sauces. Total ecstasy.
5. “Do You Need to Get In?” It’s dark and cold when you approach Old K. You see a figure silhouetted in the doorway. As you come near they look at you with wide, expectant eyes. “Do you need to get in?”, you say. They nod, and as you open the door you see the effect you’ve had on them. Pure bliss.
6. Drag Gund. “Fuck Gund amiright?!”, the entire Kenyon student body soils itself.