“Will I be featured? Are you recording me? Oh hiiiii!!!”

“I feel like I was not drunk until I very much was”

“You guys need to do this interview, it made me realize a lot.”

Last night, I did what I often do at Kenyon College. I went to a party very sober, because I don’t drink, and interacted with all my sloppy, drunk friends. What made last night different, however, was the party took place immediately following Senior Soiree. So my senior friends were extra, next level, peak shwastey. I was on the hunt for content. I had outlined a series of questions. And I was ready. So, without further ado, here is the first installment of Sober at a Party Interviews.

(Names have been changed to fruits and vegetables as an attempt at anonymity)

“Where will Our Path Forward take us?”

MANGO: What the fuck is that? Why are you asking me meaningful questions right now? Okay, I’m a fucking senior and we just went to fucking Senior Soiree, okay? I made so many fucking reunions with people, we took pictures of like classes, like, like baby drama, like fucking Chinese class, like fucking, everything’s gonna be fine, you’re gonna get fucked up at Soiree and then everything’s gonna be fine and your path forwards going to be just fucking fine, okay?

SQUASH: Um probably to like an anxiety disorder.

BABY CARROT: To infinity and beyond.

MELON: Ok that’s some D-cat shit about making money, right? Okay, but I love D-cat so. And D-cat is sexy so I feel like my path forward will go wherever D-cat says, but I’m graduating so I feel like my path forward is more like, into the real world, so Minneapolis.

EGGPLANT: It will take us into the future. It’s going to take us to the twin cities. Minneapolis, Minnesota. (JALAPENO: St. Paul, Minnesota) Also St. Paul, Minnesota. That’s where the path forward takes us.

“What is your goal for this evening?”

EGGPLANT: To find my Juul.

JALAPENO: My goal is to get kinda medium drunk because I’m happy with where I am in my life.

MELON: My goal for this evening is to make it home without being really fucking cold, but guess what? I packed sweatpants and I packed shoes with a less high heel.

BABY CARROT: Um I’m going to whisper. To fuck. To fuck. But honestly? I’m here to have a good time and I’m having a really good time so like, it’s fine. Like a wink emoji. That’s what my goal is, like a wink emoji.

SQUASH: Make sure my friends get home safe.

APPLE: My goal is to be held. Also I want to dance a lot.

“Where did you live freshman year and what’s your relationship with that building?”

JALAPENO: Mather!! I would cut my heart out for it. (EGGPLANT: No you wouldn’t, fuck that.) I love Mather. (EGGPLANT: I hated living in Mather. Ughhhh.) I loved Mather. I realize its Stockholm syndrome, but I liked it. 

MELON: Gund. That building made me all my best friends and also all my worst enemies. There are certain people who lived in Gund who are lit-e-rally evil, there are certain people that I love so much who are also evil, but also there are people that I love so much who are not evil.

BABY CARROT: I lived on second floor long side of Mather Hall. And I loved Mather Hall. Except now I just feel like it’s a weird place because it was always a weird place and I haven’t been back in a few years and I don’t think I will need to go back because it’s weird. It’s for all the leftovers and I love being a leftover.

North or South and why?

JALAPENO: North. Separation of church and state. Because like here’s the gag: if you live South, it’s basically just you live in school and I did that for four years in high school.

EGGPLANT: Anywhere else South, other than the Morgans, is cursed.

MELON: I think that now that I live North, I appreciate North, especially with parties and stuff because I live North and I want to stay North. The fact that I know that I am South right now is deeply depressing because I need my sweatpants to cover my chilly-chilly legs.

BABY CARROT: South because it’s close to everything—are you kidding?

What adjective would you use to describe your aura right now?

MELON: Slinky. I’m feelin’ slinky. (EGGPLANT: I have a slinky.) Oh shit. We have to make it go down these stairs riiight now.

SQUASH: Intriguing

APPLE: Oh god, frantic.

JALAPENO: I hate the concept of aura, it can go fuck itself. (EGGPLANT: Hey, that’s so mean. Be nice to the auras. I think I would be…orange.) That’s not an adjective, I mean it is, but fuck you, that’s not what she meant. (EGGPLANT: She said describe your aura and auras are colors you fucker.) I’m a fucker for not believing in colored magical spheres? (EGGPLANT: Jane, let it be known that anonymous lady 1 is smarter than anonymous man 1.) Make a note that anonymous man 1 is fully aware of this fact and has never attempted to refute it.

Recount your lowest Kenyon moment.

SQUASH: Making out in the Gund Commons elevator.

JALAPENO: Ok. One time sophomore year I got super drunk at an a cappella party by accident because of the quality of the punch—it was very low, it was basically just windshield wiper fluid and like vodka and Adderall. Um and it was so gross looking. I had like 2 cups very swiftly and um I lived in an NCA that year and the party was in the same number of NCA, but not the same letter, so I literally just like walked out of their house, walked around the corner into my house, ran up the stairs and threw up for like three straight minutes, right? And then I turned around, looked at myself in the mirror, I’m bedraggled, I look awful, like my eyes are bloodshot, and I look at myself in the mirror, and I point at myself and I’m like, “Hey. You. Fuck you.” And I’m like spinning and like I can’t see anything, I’m looking in the mirror and it’s like warped like it’s a fun house, like “You’re the only one who is responsible for this! This is all your fault! Pull your shit together!” And then I turn around and I throw up and I turn back and like “This is what you get! You’re the only reason you feel bad!” And then I took a shower and I just yelled for my roommate, who was not in the building, and it would’ve been really bad if she had come in, it was like “FIIiiiiIIG!!!! Come in here!!!” while I was in the shower. It would’ve been really bad, I was butt-ass naked, we had a very strong rule about no nudity. Um yeah, it was bad news, but I think the low point was definitely like watching myself wave in the mirror and just like accusing myself of being the worst. I mean that’s the lowest point worth talking about.

EGGPLANT: I got fingered on the dance floor of the Ganter my freshman year. (JALAPENO: Yeah and we all saw.) No, different time. (JALAPENO: Oh, different time!? Wait, that’s way worse.) I didn’t get fingered the second time, we just later did anal. (JALAPENO: She lost her fitbit in a dude’s asshole.) That’s not true. The same night I did anal for the first time. Jane, I lit-e-rally would never want you to know this. We have the most loving, positive relationship, you do not need to know this. But, pretty much like anytime I’ve been to the Ganter has been a low.

What is your senior advice?

EGGPLANT: Listen. Here’s what you do. You wake up at 6 in the morning, you start going to the KAC every day and running very quickly, um NO. Literally, to all the girls out there, do, just fucking do it, man um. (JALAPENO: you have to write down that she dabbed.) Yeah just like, you know, it’s fucking freaky out there, but if you don’t do it, then no one is going to get the work done and so you do all the work and then eventually it will all pay off and you’ll have a cast party and you’ll black out with everyone and it’ll be really good um that’s my advice.

JALAPENO: My senior advice is this college is exactly as good as the professors that you take (EGGPLANT: WHAAAAT) so don’t cheap out and take professors that you hear are not good only take professors you hear are good and fight for spaces in classes because if you’re like me and you end up and it’s your last semester and you haven’t taken a good professor yet you’re going to have a bad experience in college.

EGGPLANT: Actually I have more advice. My advice is go to office hours and just talk to your professors like they’re human beings and you may find friends in professors. That’s my advice.

MELON: I think the thing that I learned about senior year is that it hurts so bad, but at the same time, you grow up so quick. Here’s what I’ve learned about senior year is that you find your true people and you also find your hardest hurt, but I think you learn the most in a very short amount of time, like we’ve only been here for like 3 months and I feel like I’ve aged just 16 years and that is due to like a lot of alcohol consumption and being like surrounded by people who are so good and also being surrounded by people that you think are good but are actually bad and I think that, like, that’s not really advice, but I think the advice part of that is just like do what you want and nothing else, like there is no need to do anything else besides the things that you want to do.

BABY CARROT: Um. Roll with everything. Like don’t be afraid to make friends with people you don’t think you would be friends with. And then sometimes those people end up being friends for a long time, yeah. I love being tender.