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So, here’s the deal. I was supposed to do a whole Thanksgiving thing the week before break, but then we had Kenyon’s Darkest Day, and so that plan went down the drain pretty quick. I haven’t thought of anything new, though, so. We’re just going with Thanksgiving, I guess? Okay, here’s how to make a Thanksgiving turkey, I hope:

  1. Find a Turkey: Go out into the woods and the fields, do a quick turkey call. Holler some gobbles, you know, sing them that good poultry song. Look deep in your heart for it, it’ll be there.
  2. Capture the Turkey: Look, I’m gonna jump ahead a little bit. You know where this is going, yeah? You’re going to have to kill the turkey. I’m really sorry about that, but it’s how it has to be. Anyway, once you’ve lured the turkey, snatch it up in a bag or something.
  3. Make the Room Good to Go For Turkey Sacrifice: Ugh, okay. Woof, this is rough. Okay, so you’re gonna have to clean up the room a little bit. Make some room on the counter and clean your hands really well. Oh boy. Okay, it’s gonna get rough.
  4. Um… Okay…: Yeah this is tough, there’s no way around that. I’m so sorry you guys.
  5. Grapple With What You’re About to Do: Okay honestly? It’s gonna be fine. This sort of thing happens all the time, and it’s the holiday season, this sort of thing happens. You’re in college now, you’re an adult. It’s time to start doing shit for yourself for a change, right?
  6. Kill That–Ah, Nope, Actually Fuck it: Yeah no I super can’t do this.
  7. Call your Family and Apologize: You don’t owe them an explanation, it’s fine. There’s no turkey this year, alright? Tell them to get over it. You tried your best, it’s okay.
  8. Let the Turkey Return from Whence it Came: Gently whisper an apology to that sweet, beautiful bird as you let it run free back in the woods. Or the field. I don’t know where turkeys hang out, as it happens. Like three of them were hanging out outside my NCA once, though, and I would never ever eat them. I hope they’re reading this, I hope they’re doing well.


So, no food this time, I guess. I love the creatures of this earth, not enough to never eat them, but god knows I can’t murder a turkey. Christ, why did anyone think I could do that, even for pretend? This was a rough one.

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