You may or may not have heard about the recent romaine lettuce epidemic. The CDC has publicly stated multiple times that we do our best NOT to consume the Big Leaves until further notice. But what are the reasons behind this proclamation? What has happened to our lettuce? Who is destroying the sanctity of these vibrant emerald staples of American society? All this and more in my BIG LETTUCE CONSPIRACY THEORY INVESTIGATION.

Here’s the juice, Kenyon. If you look at the first letters of all the safe lettuce locations, you get Y, I, R, F, M. What does that spell? “FIRMY.” Do I know what “firmy” is? No. But it sounds like it could be a word, so I’m suspicious. I think they’re trying to keep the greens out of our mouths. I think they want all the lettuce to themselves. I think they’re ten guinea pigs stacked on top of each other in a trench coat and they are trying to steal all the romaine in the world! There will be none romaine-in when they’re done. They’ll lettuce perish from our lack of leafy vegetables. How could they do this to us?

Maybe the CDC is trying to conceal the fact that if we eat romaine lettuce, we’ll get crazy lettuce-based super powers. They’re trying to prevent us from evolving as human beings and Kenyon is complicit in their scheme! Wake up, people! Our skin would turn green. We’d start sprouting leaves and, most impressively, we would gain the ability to photosynthesize. Essentially, we’d be unstoppable!

I think the correct response is to A) form an anti-lettuce propaganda task force, and B) start consuming every piece of lettuce you can find. If you’re 43% sure that the green thing is romaine lettuce, you should definitely eat it. Otherwise someone else might come along and swipe your lettuce superpowers!

Either that or start on mustard greens. Sure, they’re bitter, but so are we. Also, they’re extremely high in Vitamin C! Much higher than romaine. Maybe I’m getting a case of sour lettuces. Oh, well.

Keep cronching, my leafy pals.