The Monday Catchup


Excerpt from “A Christmas Carrel” a play by me directed by me and starring me

NARRATOR: When Scrooge awoke, the church clock tolled a deep, dull, hollow, melancholy (BONG! BONG! BONG! BONG!). Light flashed up in the room upon the instant, and the blinds by his bed were drawn up by a strange figure.

SCROOGE: Are you the Spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me?


SCROOGE: Who and what are you?

FIRST GHOST: I am the Ghost of Kenyon Past.

NARRATOR: As the words were spoken, they passed through the wall, and stood in the busy thoroughfares of a college campus. It was made plain enough by the dressing of the place that here, too, it was Christmas time. The Ghost stopped at a certain door, and asked Scrooge if he knew it.

SCROOGE: Know it! I spent countless hours here. I remember these walls, this cubic furniture, the ceiling made of windows. This must be the place … I miss it. Olin and Ch–

FIRST GHOST: Don’t say it. It will be too painful for you. Yes we are here. Smell the books. Hookup in the stacks. Talk too loud on the third floor. You loved this place and took it for granted.

SCROOGE: Spirit! remove me from this place. Haunt me no longer!

NARRATOR: As he struggled with this memory and the intense pain attached to it, Scrooge realized he was a first year who had no reason to be jaded about a place he never set foot in save for during a visit day or tour. Man who the hell do you think you are? How was your weekend?


“Saw someone eating a cheesestick the bad way. Ruined my night.”

“… It was interesting.”

NARRATOR: Go. Go do these things.

What: Owl Creeks Concert

  • I’ll go on public record with this hot hot take and say right here right now that the Owl Creeks are pretty attractive.
  • I mean let’s be honest. Who knew a group of people could be hot AND good singers?
  • Isn’t it crazy? Does anyone know about this? I can’t belive people don’t talk about this more.
  • Please tell me to my face how smoking hot these women are. I just discovered this fact myself and need to talk to more people about it actually.
  • Just for public record I want to let them know that I’m not jealous, beacause I can hang with the acapella kids. I’m also a crusty senior with no intention of holding back my feelings anymore. It’s just that they are SO arresting and everyone else is just kinda fair you know.
  • Like I can’t wait to rate them all on a scale of sexy to seductive and then hook up with them, because I’m used to getting what I want as a freshman/sophomore/junior/senior straight man twerp.

When: Saturday, December 15 at 8 pm

Where: Lane two of the KAC pool


What: Broken Legs Concert

  • On a scale of sexy to seductive the big BLs are probably seductive.

When: Friday, December 14 at 8 pm

Where: Lane three of the KAC pool

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