Colin is a red and purple lil’ betta dude that I purchased at Mount Vernon’s own “We lov pets” as a consolation when my mother strongly advised against me buying a rabbit on Craigslist. She also shot down my idea to adopt a cat or even just steal Moxie off the streets. Among the many shelves of tiny cups of fishies, Colin immediately spoke to me with his shiny fins and feisty attitude. I got him a tank, gravel, a weird boot to hide in, and a fake plant. What can I say? I like to spoil my son. Since bringing this beast home with me, I’ve discovered that he’s a total freak.

Here is all you need to know about Colin:

1. Colin only eats his food once he has chewed it up and spit it out a few times first.
2. Sometimes I can literally hear him chewing his food from across the room (If you think I’m lying: proportionately, bettas have bigger and stronger jaws than the great white shark. I learned that on the internet.)
3. I once woke up in the middle of the night because of the loud noises he was making by burrowing himself into his gravel.
4. His poop is red I think. I find a lot of weird red stuff in the gravel when I clean his tank.
5. He has been living in Old Kenyon for a few weeks now. Honestly it suits him more than McBride. If he had his way, I’m sure he’d be an AD.
6. My champion fish sitter, fellow Thrill writer Tyler Raso, let me know that his eating habits have continued their trend of oddity. Apparently this morning he just held his food pellet in his open mouth for awhile. Just kinda held it there. Like he forgot to finish the steps of eating.
7. Sometimes he just really spazzes around his tank like a maniac. I have been legitimately worried that he was having a fish seizure more times than I can count.
8. Sometimes he gets stuck between the wall of his tank and his boot house. It kinda feels like he does it on purpose because he really has not learned from his mistakes.

That’s really all there is to say about him. He’s just a fish. But oddly steeped in personality for a creature with a brain barely capable of basic level emotions.