That’s right. I’m at the airport on this fine December 26th. It is four in the morning, pre-butt-crack of dawn, sustained by last night’s Christmas fried chicken and rage. And if I die in this godforsaken airport, cremate me, and snort my ashes in front of TSA, buy a commemorative plaque and cement it into the O’Hare floor in my name. For Elise Tran, who hated this airport and everyone in it. Send forth Danny De Vito, and may the good and wise man present each and every person on this list with a single rotten egg. And tell them, Danny. Tell each and every one of them, from me, from my chapped lips pale with the tint of sweet and nearing death–tell them I told you to tell them to suck it.

1. Hypebeast boy in the fancy Yeezy’s: need I explain further
2. Boy with matching backpack standing next to Hypebeast: scum via association
3. Couple PDA-ing in the TSA line: love isn’t real. Your love isn’t real. It is four in the goddam morning chill the fuck out.
4. My youngest sister whose bag gets stopped by TSA: dead to me.
5. Bro in a bathrobe and Santa beer helmet trying to spread Christmas joy: keep it in your pants Christmas is over let us all go back to being sad.
6. Every person involved in the “Nuts on Clark” franchise: also everyone named Clark
7. Woman in 18E openly picking her nose: ?????????
8. My other sister whose arm touches mine for the entire flight: this is by far the most non-aggressive non-violent physical contact we’ve ever had in our entire lives and now I want to shower forever
9. Middle-aged man sucking on a lollipop: it’s like I’m watching a three-year-old try to do taxes stop this