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Bingo. You’ve heard the name before, I’m sure. It’s a sport that’s not for the faint of heart — a game that involves some elbow grease and a particular skill set. I’m sure I’m not alone when I say my heart skips a beat when I spy a Social Board email in my Inbox inviting me for a night of debauchery.
If you happen to be passing Old Side of Peirce Hall around 8:30 p.m. on a weeknight, you might just think you’re seeing a random mass of humans, but the composition of humans that make up Bingo on a weekend night has some outstanding characters.
Here are just a few of the individuals you’ll meet at Bingo.
1. The One Who Should’ve Taken a Xanax. Bingo is no doubt anxiety-provoking; this much is true. But there are certain individuals at Bingo who turn into a puddle of crippling sweat in their pursuit for the prize. Their fists are clenched, and they have a look of intensity in their eyes. They mutter threats towards the hosts when the number they want isn’t called and are genuinely just in need of a benzodiazepine.
2. The Veteran. This person knows the ins and outs of the game. They don’t put a token on the free space because they’re “better than that.” They’re also probably the type that exchanges their prize for Bookstore credit because they know they can. Weird flex but ok.
3. The Swearer. Pretty self-explanatory. Also accompanied by some table-pounding and the occasional “boo” when someone else wins. This person has no respect for the game, and feels “cheated” when they don’t win. This person also probably cries in the shower every night and listens to Wiz Khalifa.
4. The Swimmer. I don’t know what it is about Bingo that makes them wet, but there’s always at least one table full of them.
5. The Double-Boarder. They know the rules. They know they’re breaking them. And yet, they persist. I have no words for these kinds of individuals. These are the kind of people who think that taking from corporations without paying isn’t stealing. We love that.
6. The Ones That Can’t Get into the Event. This one is pretty self-explanatory, but because of those doors to Old Side from the atrium that don’t always open, there’s always a decent number of individuals who attempt to enter the event, only to be deterred by a single door. I appreciate this. Bingo isn’t meant for everyone, and the first test of opening a door weeds out the weak-willed.
7. The Person Who’s One Tile Away from Getting Bingo Each Round. My heart truly goes out to this person. To be so close to the coveted Ninja Bullet/Eno Hammock/Ohio-shaped Cutting Board, but to fail. Total and utter tragedy. This person is the equivalent to the feeling when you’re trying to vacuum a shag rug and the bits of fabric keep getting caught in the vacuum. Useless and futile.