The Gambier Deli is back in action, baby, and we all know what that means. We’ve got eggs. We’ve got some hot sammies. We’ve got that nice bearded man who works/lives there, and yesterday when I was treating myself to brunch he saw me and said, “Hey buddy, long time, how’s it going?” and I felt truly validated for the first time in my life.

BUT it also means that we’ve got to be on our toes. Kenyon kids take things for granted a lot of the time (see: having a library), but we lost the deli once before because of our bad behavior. If we’re not careful, we’re going to lose it again. Here’s some things to avoid doing if we don’t want to get punished with Deli Removal once more:

1. Don’t Step on the Seal: Yeah, we all know the superstition about stepping on the Pierce seal and how you won’t graduate if you do it, but that’s some garbage. The truth is that every foot that falls on the seal pushes the deli an inch further from campus, physically. Everyone makes a difference!
2. Don’t Swear at D-Cat: President Decatur is a pretty chill guy, but he absolutely hates cussing, and if you say anything like “fuck” or “ass” or “balls” near him, he’ll banish our new eatery back to the Netherworld. We’re sorry, Sean! Please forgive!
3. Don’t Light Any Big Fires: Small fires are fine, though, I don’t care what your CA tells you.
4. Don’t Order All of the Eggs They Have: Look, you know me. I’m your pal, I understand you. You love eggs. I love eggs. We all love eggs. BUT. If you order all of the eggs that they have, the deli will be under legal obligation to keep feeding you until either 1) they run out of eggs, or 2) you die from too many eggs. They’ll wind up either bankrupt or sued for murder, and then where will we be? No deli, that’s where.
5. Don’t Use the Butter Spreader at Peirce to Butter Your Toast, Just Take a Glob of Butter on your Plate and then Do it with a Knife at your Table, Come on it’s Clogging up the Line: This one is a personal preference. But I bet the Deli Man would hate it, too.
6. Don’t Forget to Perform the Blood Sacrifices: Come on, gang, this one isn’t even that hard! Honestly if you start marking it in your Passion Planner I’m sure you’ll remember. See you all at the full moon’s zenith!