How to Not Be Cold in Body and Heart


~via One Green Planet

Hello, Kenyon. It is me, your grandmagrandpa Cat! It has come to my attention that a significant portion of you are from California, or Florida, or whatever other fake state kids are making up these days. This means you had no idea what to do in the terrible, horrible cold time of the polar vortex and will probably continue to be silly when the temperature (inevitably) drops again before spring actually arrives. I do not care WHAT the groundhog said. You are not leaving this house without your jacket, young man!

You may be asking, “what gives you the authority to speak to us, the hellfire children, grandmagrandpa? I heard you came to us from New England, land of frozen skies and frozen hearts.” Well, young ones, it was not always this way. Before I came to this frigid wasteland of a country, I lived south of the equator. That’s right, kiddos. Grandmagrandpa is Australian (true story. I’m not making this up for journalism, pinky swear). So, just like you, I had to figure out what the FUCK to do after stepping out of egg-fry-on-sidewalk city and into slip-on-icy-sidewalk-and-crack-head-like-egg town. I was, for a very long time, miserable. I am still miserable. I think we’re all a little miserable, deep down.

However, after twelve years spent in cold places (yes, it took that long. Have you been outside in the cold? It’s really bad. I hate the cold. Every time it drops below 40 I want to die), I believe I have cracked the code. So, my sweets, let me tell you the secrets of how I transformed from koala to polar bear.

Part 1: Layers
If you’re lucky enough to own fancy underarmor or whatever, that is very nice for you and grandmagrandpa is very proud. However, underarmor (both the brand and general category of clothing) is expensive, so we are going to focus on other ways to layer. What is a layer? I define it as literally anything I can wear underneath a shirt (long sleeve or short sleeve), or underneath pants. Are leggings layers? They sure as heck can be. Thinner pairs of leggings work best for this (they’re not useless, yay!). You can put them on under your jeans and then you will be 23034% warmer (this is a scientifically calculated number). I call this DOUBLE PANTS (because leggings are also pants). I also tend to use thin long-sleeved shirts, or even regular long-sleeved shirts as layers. If you wear a bunch of them at once, you are less cold and get a +2 bonus to your AC. Nice! You can also layer socks, especially if your shoes are a lil too big (I am a size 6 foot but I wear 7 1/2 sometimes because size 6 shoes can be hard to find). I have never layered underwear in my life, but I guess you could? Seems a little cursed, but if you’re really worried about your caboose being cold, go ahead? Let’s move on…

Part 2: Hat, Scarf, Earmuffs, Gloves
You don’t need all of them at once (gloves? Psh, I have pockets), but it is nice to have at least one (1) small appendage warm (small appendages being fingers, nose, ears, head). I LOVE winter hats! I am bald, so they are very important to me. If you are not bald and do not like hat hair or have a hard time with hats, earmuffs = good. There’s also this fuzzy knit sweatband kind of thing? Like, it looks like a sweatband but it covers your ears and is made from cozy materials? Good for keep head warm. PSA, grandmagrandpa knits. Grandmagrandpa will knit you scarf or gloves or hat (not earmuffs; that’s a little complicated). There is also a person in England who hand-knits little hats for people’s noses, which is hilarious. Just tuck your nose into your scarf (or suffer)! Goodness.

Part 3: Walking in the Snow
A lot of you goons are falling down because Middle Path is terrible. Not falling is a skill I acquired from walking to school in the dead of winter every day, until I made friends with someone who owned a car (shoutout to Jamie Pine). Basically, you want to evenly distribute your center of gravity. So, do not shuffle with all your limbs held close to your body. You will fall. Instead, make your feet kind of in a v-shape and waddle your way through life. Like a penguin! Note: you don’t have to do this 24/7; only if you notice a particularly treacherous patch of earth. You would be late to almost everything if you walked like this all the time. Another solution to this conundrum is to PAVE MIDDLE PATH FOR ACCESSIBILITY AND SAFETY REASONS, but it seems like the Money Alums enjoy watching us die, so I guess we just have to suffer.

Part 4: Do Not Touch The Snow with your Bare Hands
You would think this is pretty obvious, but grandmagrampa has witnessed plenty of dangerous snow-touching behavior. It may feel good now, but you’ll regret it later! Trust me! Don’t touch the snow with your bare hands. It will hurt and betray you (like a bad ex). Just don’t do it!

That is all grandmagrandpa has for you today. Please stay safe out there and lend gloves/hats/scarves to your shivering friends, if you have extra! Nobody deserves frostbite. It is one of the worst ways to lose a limb…

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