Theater, like all art, degrades the soul.
I mean that in a good way, I love theater, and I don’t buy into things like “dignity” and “self-respect” anyways. But man, have I gotten up to some depraved shit for the sake of a show.
My most demeaning experiences with theater, aside from every audition ever, have all been for prop design. Student theater at Kenyon typically operates on a budget of zero dollars and K-Card access, so you have to be resourceful. It helps if you have no sense of shame, and luckily, I don’t.
I’ve done props for five shows this year and each one brought new challenges, such as “how do you tie a noose?” and “what do you put in fruit smoothie for someone who is allergic to every kind of fruit?” These questions have led me down some dark paths, most of them ending up at the servery.
Here are some of the most dehumanizing things I’ve done this year for theater. So far.
- Filled an entire jug with Peirce orange juice
- Filled my Nalgene with Peirce ice cream
- Filled my Nalgene with Peirce yogurt
- Filled 2-4 coffee cups with Pierce yogurt every day for a week
- Been called “Yogurt Girl” by an AVI worker because of this
- Carried a blood-splattered axe through campus and genuinely scared a visiting family
- Broken into a Milk to retrieve someone’s Crocs
- Figured out how to make fake semen for a cum jar prop. (It’s 4 parts Cetaphil to 1 part baby oil, with just a drop of yellow food coloring).
- Thought about that cum jar every time I use my Cetaphil facial cleanser
- Dumped out someone’s flowers so I could use the pot and acted surprised when I heard them say “My flowers!”
- Committed theft. I will not elaborate.