Crane Cult is Not Just a Bit Anymore

A different crane, sadly.

There’s been a lot of hubbub about the cranes lately, as they are currently the tallest buildings on campus (beating Caples by mere inches).  Since we go to Kenyon and since kids get bored here, there have also been many jokes made about there being a crane cult. Here’s the kicker: there kind of actually is one?  You’ve got questions, and I’ve got answers.


GC: First off, why?

Anonymous Crane Cult Member: Cranes are beautiful metal monoliths.  Honestly, would really like to climb one. We just really liked the cranes as aesthetic beings on this campus, and we had a bit about a crane cult.  On St. Paddy’s day we ended up actually going to the graveyard and it’s kind of embarrassing honestly but now we have to commit to the bit.

GC: What are you going to do once the cranes are gone? What will you worship?

CCM: I think the most rational choice would be the striped statue near South 2, but I think we could also choose to worship the library itself.  Maybe a forklift.

GC: What’s your group called? Just crane cult?

CCM: Yeah but we prefer if you capitalize the c’s to make it Crane Cult.  ~English majors~ are involved in the cult.

GC: What do they do to pledge their allegiance to the crane?

(transcribed approximately)

  1. Someone brings a bag of Goldfish
  2. Everyone meets up and promenades to the graveyard
  3. The leader recites a speech from memory about how much they respect the presence of the crane on our campus
  4. They circle up and rise from the ground chanting “You Raise Me Up”
  5. After they finish singing the, like, 2 verses of “You Raise Me Up” that they can remember, they form a line
  6. Each member takes a turn, starting with the oldest members, stating “I love you, Crane”
  7. All members simultaneously throw one (1) Goldfish Cracker each into the pit
  8. Closing song commences (Bob the Builder – Main Theme)
  9. The cult members exit the graveyard together, ideally with flute music playing in the background

GC: Who’s in the cult?

CCM: We’re all anonymous cause the bit got away from us and now we’re kind of out of control of the whole situation and actually kind of like hanging out with the crane.

GC: Are there any new members being accepted?

CCM: We meet Sunday nights, bring sacrificial foods, interpret as you will.

And, if you were wondering, they’ve also got a crane worshipping playlist.  I couldn’t get anyone to give me the Spotify link, but here’s my take on what I’d listen to if I was in a crane cult (based on the two songs mentioned to me).

  • You Raise Me Up by Josh Groban
  • Worship You by Vampire Weekend
  • Demolition Man by The Police
  • Beautiful Soul by Jesse McCartney
  • Cranes, Planes and Migraines by King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard
  • Bob the Builder – Main Theme

**Also have heard rumors that there’s multiple crane cults? Will be doing research on this.

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