The first principle of sustainable wilderness exploration put forth by the Leave No Trace Center for Outdoor Ethics is “Plan Ahead and Prepare.” I find this rule applies not only on backcountry camping trips but also when dealing with everyday problems such as how to discreetly dispose of a corpse.
I have never had to carry out my plans for getting rid of a body, at least not while I’ve been at Kenyon, but I find one can never be too prepared. I’ve scoped out some prime dumping real estate on and around the hill, so that I know exactly where to go if/when I need to hide human remains from the authorities.
Here are the best spots around campus to dump a body. You’re welcome to use them–– just don’t go poking around too much.
- The Peirce coat room: One of the most underrated hiding spots on campus, it’s Kenyon’s Room of Requirement (and you know the Room of Requirement was full of dead bodies.)
- The Delt Lodge moat: Ideal for holding remains, less ideal for swimming.
- The International Station: Let complicated extradition laws work in your favor!
- The Pit: Obvious? Maybe. Effective? You bet.
- The Graveyard (not that one, the other one): A genuinely convenient storage solution.
- South 3 Parking Lot: That walk itself could kill someone, am I right?
- The sarcophagus in the Hill Theater cage: For the spook-value alone.
- A Watson single: You know those news stories about people who die alone in their apartments and no one finds them for years? Those people lived in Watson.
- The Caples elevator shaft: Wouldn’t be the first time.