The first principle of sustainable wilderness exploration put forth by the Leave No Trace Center for Outdoor Ethics is “Plan Ahead and Prepare.” I find this rule applies not only on backcountry camping trips but also when dealing with everyday problems such as how to discreetly dispose of a corpse.
I have never had to carry out my plans for getting rid of a body, at least not while I’ve been at Kenyon, but I find one can never be too prepared. I’ve scoped out some prime dumping real estate on and around the hill, so that I know exactly where to go if/when I need to hide human remains from the authorities.
Here are the best spots around campus to dump a body. You’re welcome to use them–– just don’t go poking around too much.
- The Peirce coat room: One of the most underrated hiding spots on campus, it’s Kenyon’s Room of Requirement (and you know the Room of Requirement was full of dead bodies.)
- The Delt Lodge moat: Ideal for holding remains, less ideal for swimming.
- The International Station: Let complicated extradition laws work in your favor!
- The Pit: Obvious? Maybe. Effective? You bet.
- The Graveyard (not that one, the other one): A genuinely convenient storage solution.
- South 3 Parking Lot: That walk itself could kill someone, am I right?
- The sarcophagus in the Hill Theater cage: For the spook-value alone.
- A Watson single: You know those news stories about people who die alone in their apartments and no one finds them for years? Those people lived in Watson.
- The Caples elevator shaft: Wouldn’t be the first time.
Though I am not familiar with this column and I appreciate and assume the attempt at some late night humor here but #9 is going too far and is harsh and hurts a bit for me and probably more so for some others also there in 1979 when Doug Shaefer died in the elevator shaft of Caples. It was my sophomore year and while didn’t know Doug extremely well I did know him and many of my friends were very close to him.. He would have been in my graduating class if 1982.. it wasn’t/isn’t something to be made light of it was and is hard…https://digital.kenyon.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://www.google.com/&httpsredir=1&article=2029&context=collegian