Dear The Office of Residential Life,
It has been several years since my last confession. Though I work for you, I feel as if I could do more to work with you. I am a simple person with simple skills. I can ask politely for things I am paying for. I can put an unlimited amount of raw Sriracha in my tiny, tiny mouth. I can peel an orange in one seamless ribbon but usually I can’t. This is my effort to bring my passion for putting people into broad categories (ie. astrology, MBTI, sorting-hat) to you, The Office formally known as Residential Life. Below are what I believe to be some questions which which truly bring insight to the Roommate Pairing Process. You can reach me at wordpress.com, or at your local Post Office.
What is an appropriate amount of bodies in one space, assuming only a select few of those bodies belong in that space based on invisible papers in a dark room somewhere?
A. Oh, baby, when you talk like that / You make a woman go mad / So be wise and keep on / Reading the signs of my body
B. Oh, I wanna dance with somebody / I wanna feel the heat with somebody / Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody / With somebody who loves me
C. Anybody could be that guy / Night is young and the music’s high / With a bit of rock music / Everything is fine
D. Now everybody ask me why I’m smiling out from ear to ear / (They say love hurts) / But I know (it’s gonna take the real work) / Nothing’s perfect but it’s worth it
It is nighttime and it will continue to be nighttime for at least hours. What have you done?
A. I swallow several packs of chalk because somebody has to.
B. I have returned to my larval form. It is wet beneath my skin.
C. Please remove your shoes before you enter my room.
D. DREAM / PRAY / MUCUS (in the form of an embroidered pillow)
These are words.
C. Proximity to a water fountain is very important to me.
D. Kenyon’s beautiful 1,000-acre campus is in Gambier, Ohio, 45 miles from the state’s capital, Columbus. The campus includes a 500-acre nature preserve.
It is snowing.
A. It would have snew.
B. Snow is my middle name.
C. SYRACUSE, NEW YORK TRIED TO MAKE SNOW ILLEGAL. (source)
D. Don’t I snow it.
Explain ASMR to me?
A. Several rocks being thrown at the world’s smallest car.
B. Fish, but musical.
C. Imagine a home that has only two rooms. In one room, a small child with no teeth eats oatmeal. In the other room, a larger child plays with a chainsaw.
D. Sentient plastic.
Select the option that is the closest to the filthy truth?
A. I am sorry. I have never seen a trombone. Not even in a movie.
B. You could spit on my delicate face, and I wouldn’t even call you a dirty dog.
C. Would you like anything to drink? We have iced tea? Iced milk? Iced Ovaltine?
D. TODAY IS THE DEADLINE TO SUBMIT AN ADD/DROP FOR LESSONS AND ENSEMBLES
Enter below your longest yeah boy:
If there was a pile of bones on the floor, would you touch it?
A. There would never be a pile of bones. I keep all my bones in reasonable locations. Such as the meat pocket of my body.
B. Each bone is named Ferdinand and I would only touch it to tell each bone to have a sweet dream.
C. Those old things?
D. I’m sure you read an Edgar Allan Poe. He recommends to touch no bones, on floor or under floor. You must understand.
Fill in the blank: My relationship with my nearest masculine role model can be described as _________. (ex. spicy, BOGO, liminal, oceanic, filled with bees, I went to boarding school)
Is it ROR-schach or ror-SCHACH?
A. I have never been to France but I hear it has flaming snails
B. It is a butterfly, it is a wheel of cheese, it is two young ballerinas holding hands
C. I played with an abacus once. This is all I know about science.
D. Please don’t use psychology on me or my son
On a scale of 1 to 5, is Mtn Dew food?
1 being My biological mother choked on a two-liter of Mtn Dew
5 being I flush my beautiful gums with the angel’s juice each morning
B E D T I M E ?
A. I raise you a pillow in the shape of a dragon.
B. Nobody has ever been so patient with me, so full of soap water, so like a sponge.
C. The train is delayed. The train is always delayed.
D. It has been so nice getting to know you. You are a real dream cowboy. A real swirling bath of stars.