How to survive the flu


If you’re one of those weenies that haven’t gotten the flu yet, you go out and get it. Go out and get it and take it like a champ. All the cool people have the flu right now. All the cool people. And after you go out and get the flu, come back and read here to figure out how to get rid of it.

  1. Medicate. Now the bookstore has a pretty good array of medicine and basically all that you need to get well again. Nyquil, Dayquil–in both solid and liquid forms–Tylenol too. But let’s be real. You’ll be too weak to crawl from your bed to the bookstore. I personally settled for a Tylenol I found under my bed. And, bitch, I lived.
  2. Sleep: I was awake for a total of three hours when I had the flu. Sleep that shit out of your system. The longer you’re dead to the world, the less time you actually have to spend time dealing with yourself.
  3. Drink Water: You know when even your pee smells sick? Hydrate, buddy. It’s not like you’ll be able to get anything else down your throat.
  4. Wait for a really good poop. This is how you know you’re in the clear. I’m not talking about those sick diarrhea poops, not talking about those sour liquid poops. I’m talking about dropping one of those satisfying, hefty turds. Once you poop again, your body is better. I swear by this. I swear on my first born by this. A healthy poop is a healthy you.

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