Picture this: You’re in the servery. It’s cold and dark. You’ve just finished making your 10th sandwich of the day. You go to put some sweet, sweet mayo on that baby, only to stand there, helpless as you shake the bottle for what seems like a millennia. People line up behind you, their eyes staring daggers into your back. A baby is crying somewhere in the distance. You start to sweat profusely. The room fills with your sweat, and you’re still holding onto that goddamned mayonnaise bottle, drowning, drowning, crying out for help–All right, I think you get the point. Anyone who’s been around me for more than 3 milliseconds knows of my shameful love of mayonnaise in all of its many shapes and forms. What can I say? Blame it on my heritage. Whether it be Hellman’s (for your average joe), aioli (for the more refined) or Vegenaise (for the socially woke health nuts out there), there’s nothing that a fat dollop of mayo can’t fix. Getting said mayonnaise, however, can be a humbling experience. That’s why I’ve decided to ease your Mayo Mishaps with this much-needed list!

The Holy Bowl o’ Mayo

#1: Pesto Mayonnaise

There’s no surprise that this mayo comes out on top. This mayo slaps harder than any Coldplay song, than the feeling of getting into college, or even the moment that your parents finally let you get a Club Penguin Membership. One bit of this delicious sauce and mayo haters and lovers alike are brought together in one harmonious union. Almost as powerful as the Kendall Jenner Pepsi commercial, Peirce’s pesto mayo has the power to solve world peace.

#2: Red Pepper Mayonnaise

I’m gonna be honest with you–this is a close runner up and a surprising one at that. It’s refreshing and subtle; flavorful but not overpowering. This mayonnaise was an honor student in high school, had perfect attendance, and calls their parents Mom and Pop.

#3: Chipotle Mayonnaise  

The perfect blend of spicy and smoky, this mayo will be sure to make even the most angsty of Kenyon students feel alive again! A few points were docked for the raging hellfire that took place in my mouth, but then again I find carbonated water spicy, so who am I to talk? This mayo, unlike the beloved red pepper mayo, is the classic bad boy who wears the same, crusty leather jacket, rides a motorcycle, and recycles the same three emotions (think: Imaginary Gary from Fairly Odd Parents).

#4: Regular Mayonnaise

Last and most definitely least, the plain mayo was never even in the running. This mayo was doomed from the start: it has a disgusting texture and color, and is lacking major pizazz in the flavor department. It reminds me of awkward neighborhood barbecues, bald office workers named Craig, and the monotony of suburbia.