AI Tells All: The True Identities of Kenyon’s Elite

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Ever since digital artist Trevor Paglen uploaded his ImageNet Roulette project to the web, I’ve been obsessed. I’ve spent hours furiously uploading photos to be compared with the database and anxiously waiting for my new identity to be spit out. Am I a nonsmoker? A fighter pilot? A colleen? I hunger to know. I haven’t been able to sleep for weeks. My friends are getting worried. Deadlines have come and gone, but all I can do is give the beast what it wants. The only thing that could save me from the grips of this illness would be to happen upon an image able to expose our true reality and pull the wool from my tired eyes. And, don’t get too excited, but I think I’ve done it. I turned to the classic Kenyon figures that we know and love and, although some still miss the mark, there’s one label that matches so perfectly that I can finally end my search in success. Read on for some identifications I happened upon along the way and one that is so true and pure that it may alter life at Kenyon forevermore.

 

Remember Sports

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Sorry, Catherine :/

 

Allison Janney ’82

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In that drama counts as spiritual ecstasy, maybe?

 

Paul Newman ’49 H’61

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Well, duh!

 

James Monsees ’02

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I would have classified him as an off-brand Adam Driver, but okay, “actor” works.

 

Tommy Vietor ’02

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Because podcasts are the only things that can save America, am I right, fellas?

 

President Decatur 

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Another easy one.

 

Graham Gund ’63

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Apparently, Graham Gund’s birth date is nowhere to be found on the internet, so we can neither confirm nor deny this to be true.

 

Philander Chase

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Beldam: A woman of advanced age ––– How is this website getting everything right?!

 

Moxie

monster cat

Finally, AI is brave enough to speak the truth.

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