Peirce. You know it, you love it, you probably misspell it. You’d better treat it right. So if you or a loved one suffer from acting like a clown in our only dining hall, these tips should set you straight.

• DON’T steal a chair from someone’s table without asking, even if there’s obviously no one sitting there
• Here’s how you make a panini:
  • Assemble sandwich
  • Take a piece of parchment paper and WHILE YOU ARE WAITING IN LINE, swaddle your sandwich with it like a snug little baby
  • Place sandwich baby in panini press
  • Wait
  • Remove sandwich baby and STEP ASIDE to remove the parchment, so that the next person can go
• When making toast, slap some cream cheese/Amish butter onto your plate, grab a normal knife, and spread when you return to your table. Using the serving knife backs up the line and, even worse, contaminates the spreads with the burnt crumbs from your twice-toasted bagel
• Don’t fill up your drink, drink it at the beverage machine and then fill it up again. We all have thirsts to quench and places to be
• Things that do not count as saving a table:
  • A ⅓ of the way complete copy of the New York Times crossword
    • Addendum: If you can do ⅓ of the Friday crossword, the table is all yours. Even my table belongs to you
  • A single key
  • A half-eaten salad in a cereal bowl
  • Condom wrapper
  • One Peirce cup (two or more counts)
  • A K-Card is really pushing it
• If you’re at a rectangle and I look like I want your rectangle table give it to me
  • More about rectangles: If I am making eye contact with a rectangle and walking directly towards it with conviction do not swoop in on me and my rectangle
• Don’t talk shit about Peirce in the servery. The people who work there work hard and don’t get paid to listen to you complain about how much better the dining hall at Exeter was. If you really hate what they’re serving you have four options:
  • File a constructive comment card. If you suggest something nicely they will probably make a change or reintroduce something (they brought back the pesto mayo because of a comment card!). They respond to comment cards and they’re always nice about it
  • Get creative and make a sandwich or salad 
  • Complain about it in the privacy of your own home, not in front of the guy who spent all afternoon making enchiladas for you
  • Go to the Deli like an adult
• Peirce, not Pierce
• If you’re gonna flirt in the servery, do so where you will not be in people’s way. But also, don’t flirt in the servery
• Pep Band, if you’re reading this, don’t play instruments on New Side this year, please
• If you are not gluten/dairy-free, do not hoard the delicious things from the diet-sensitive fridge
• If you spill something say something
  • If you walk down the center of New Side with half-used napkins trailing in your wake I will curb stomp you into the Peirce trough so don’t even think about it, punk 
• The sriracha is not for your table alone. Don’t remove the specialty sauces 
• At least TRY to follow traffic patterns in the servery
• Please just watch where you’re going literally at all