Hey, sports fans! This is Zoë Appelbaum, reporting LIVE from a Kenyon College recreational tennis match. We are mere minutes away from starting, though it looks like neither of the teams has actually made their way out onto the court.
Not to worry, though! According to multiple trusted sources, our competing teams are the best of the best. On the ad-court, virtually undefeated, is frosh duo Beaumont ’23 and Cornish-Keefe ‘23. Though this will be their first match of the season, their friends report that they are, “Like, pretty good at Wii Tennis.” On the other side are first-years Wetmore ’23 and Moore ‘23, both of whom grew up within five miles of a country club. If their stellar reps are any indication, this is going to be the game of the season!
Okay, it’s been around five minutes since start time, and neither of our two teams has arrived. It also seems, incidentally, that I am the only person in the stands. Not to worry, though! While I send one of my associates to check the KAC bathrooms, I’ll just rattle off a few more of these players’ accomplishments.
According to exclusive Thrill sources, tennis competitor Beaumont ‘23 can do a pretty convincing Italian accent. Additionally, Cornish-Keefe ‘23 is double-jointed, and Wetmore ‘23 is actually enrolled in both Quest For Justice and Economics! If our sources prove accurate, all of that repressed frustration should be a real asset on the court––wait, what’s that I see? Only 25 minutes late, competitor Moore ‘23 is making his way towards the court!
With one-half of our first team present, it looks like the game can finally begin. Starting out with a serve, Moore is launching the tennis ball over the net. Score! The ball made it over the net, putting Moore’s team in a 1-0 lead. Okay, wait — he’s letting his racket clatter to the floor… and now he’s just, like, staring at the bouncing tennis ball. Jesus Christ, is this boy okay?
Alright, we are 45 minutes into today’s match, and it looks like competitor Moore has actually begun to cry. He is now wiping away his tears, packing his bags, and exiting the KAC, letting the door slam shut behind him.
And that, sports fans, is the end of today’s game! Stay tuned for next week, when I’ll be covering a beer pong match outside Lax NCA. According to our sources, that should be the game of the season!