As a first-year, I am merely an outside observer of the concept of “Kenyon Married”. I am the accidental child brought into an adult-only romantic dinner at the quirkiest all-inclusive resort of all time. Except instead of a resort, I am referring to our fine liberal arts institution.

I got here a little over a month ago, so it is understandable and expected for me to not be “Kenyon Married”, or even “Kenyon Engaged”. I would argue that this perspective puts me in a prime position to make unbiased suggestions about other people’s relationships.

Or maybe I’m just the strangest combination of a Hopeless Romantic and Jaded Writer Who Likes Making Fun of Things on the Internet to ever grace this site. 

Regardless, I am about to provide any happy on-campus “newlyweds” with some unsolicited advice. Cheers to the happy couples and your decision to take on Kenyon together. Here are some places to “honeymoon”, per se, after getting “Kenyon Married”. 

1. Your room, but only if you plan accordingly: If this location strikes your fancy, that’s great! The comfort of your room (and your floral tapestry. And your Tyler, The Creator poster.) can be the most romantic and intimate setting for a Kenyon Honeymoon. But it will require some strategizing on your part if you have a roommate (or multiple). Just shoot a quick “Hey! I was wondering if it’s okay if _________ comes over for a little bit. You can say no, just let me know if you need the room and I’ll kick them out” text and it’s on. 
2. Peirce Pub: This destination has the potential to be ambient, romantic, and private. I would recommend avoiding this option during mealtimes, even though a scarce amount of people actually eat down there. Remember to keep your guard up because at any given moment there is potential for a run-in with a couple of pool sharks looking for a quick match, a group of first-years loudly debating whether or not Socrates was a douchebag, or that one kid I saw sprawled across two separate couches while watching anime on his laptop and crying a little. It’s all about timing with the pub.
3. The BFEC trails: In theory, Kenyon Honeymooning in one of the most scenic parts of Gambier while appreciating the great outdoors is ideal. Weather permitting, like in the case of our 90 degree October (yes, I know weather commentary is low-hanging fruit. But seriously, the fuck is going on?), venturing out here with your special someone could be a treat. However, I am going remind any lovebirds reading this about the logistics because just reaching the trails can be a hike in itself. The steep downhill slope will undoubtedly take a toll on your knees, and its almost a given that your strides will become so uneven with your partner’s that a cute hand-hold will be out of the question. Once you reach the trails themselves, you’ll probably already be sweaty. And then, on top of all that, you will remember that bugs are a thing. But on the upside, you’ll have the entire walk back uphill to campus together. And if you still like each other after that trek, I gotta assume you truly are meant to be.
4. An empty parking lot at night: Or, like, even a patch of grass or something. Or that one eerie ceramic table outside of Gund Commons that doesn’t look like it’s even supposed to be there. I don’t know. It’s dark out. That instigates a whole new kind of freedom for creativity. Go crazy. Look at some stars or something. 
5. The Bathroom in the Basement of Old K: If this is where you end up, I’m so sorry. But godspeed.