10 o’clock list: Ways to Lower Your Grade and Get Attention This Fall

It’s October break. You’ve just coasted through your first month at Kenyon with good grades and you’re ready to go home. When you finally get there you see your dog or your cat or whatever, and you see your brother or sister whatever, but something’s missing… Your parents are gone! You did so well in college that they have nothing to admonish you about. They have no reason to talk to you. Damnit! Here’s a list of ideas that’ll help you turn it around and tank your first semester so your parents will definitely talk to you over Thanksgiving break…

  1. When you’re “typing notes” on your computer in class, start playing a loud movie with the sound on. Fumble around for as long as possible until you finally just have to turn your computer off. Repeat this until your teacher starts deducting points.
  2. Get tech savvy. Hack into the registrar’s database and manually lower all of your grades.
  3. Don’t get tech savvy. On Moodle, upload your history paper to the assignment submission for your econ paper and vice versa. When your teachers confront you about it, just raise your hands and mumble about data sheets and pixels like you’ve never seen a computer before.
  4. Improvise a final presentation. Look up stock photos as you go, and spend ten minutes looking for a YouTube video that doesn’t exist.
  5. Upload a paper to Turnitin before you give it to your teacher. Chances are high that teach is going to run all the papers through Turnitin and yours is gonna stand out as 100% plagiarized. 
  6. At the end of the day, you either pay up or shut up. Anyone can be bought. Give your teacher a piece of paper with a ridiculous number at the top and terms at the bottom. If it works then you have successfully bought a lower grade, if it doesn’t then you got caught trying to bribe a professor. Either way, your grade won’t be higher than a 70.

Have fun raking in the attention from your parents asking why your grades dropped over Thanksgiving!

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