Evening, Upper New Siders. Are you enjoying the return of Carhartt and Blundstone weather? Well, Gambier may be getting colder, but it looks like the Kenyon intelligence market is finally heating up. I’ve overheard that some of you are getting busted for trading tips on Middle Path, so I decided to do you all a favor and hand over my top-secret guide for where and when to exchange your hot new goss. And remember, don’t even think about it without a quick little Kenyon Lookaround. You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Thrill.

First, where to avoid. Some of these should be obvious—Mod B’s size alone makes it basically impossible to whisper without leaking info to the old Periodicals crew—while others are known via unfortunate personal experiences.

1. Mod B: Good only if you want word of your Anth crush to be so widely disseminated that you might as well have posted about it on Moodle.
2. The Village Market: I know you may feel safe in between aisles full of coffee beans and untouched dog food, but you never know when the student (or professor!) of your story is lurking around the other corner.
3. Peirce during extendo: The god-awful silence that hits Peirce around 3:15 p.m. should be enough to stay your tongue, but if not, remind yourself that every friend group has at least one Peirce studier and therefore eyes everywhere.
4. The Bookstore: If you’re smart, you’ll never ever even attempt a tête-à-tête in this cursed space. As a silly sophomore I often enjoyed the collegiate mood of studying among textbooks, but one too many whisper-shouts have ruined my ability to pass even the chillest Bookstore vibe check. To [REDACTED] in my Intro Spanish class, I repent. The goss was simply too hot.

And now, what you’ve all been waiting for. Kenyon College’s prime scuttlebutt spots are…

1. Peirce during normal meal times: Unlike the 1:15 – 4:15 p.m. period, this time at Peirce is perfect for chewing the rag with a whole gaggle of friends. If you go as close to the hour as possible, New Side will be so noisy that your extendo pal can dish about what she heard from the more careless of gossipers.
2. Wiggin Street Coffee: Has anyone ever done any real work at Wiggins? It seems that everyone’s true motive for snagging a single booth is to spread out as many JSTOR articles as possible, adopt an anxious expression, and proceed to ignore actual studying in favor of making a lap around the coffee shop to hear the newest caffeine-fueled buzz.
3. Peirce Lawn: Look, I know the sinking temps may scare you away from setting up shop in the middle of the lawn, but honestly that makes it even easier to get away with a pre-class powwow!
4. Your NCA: It’s perfect—you don’t have to whisper, walk South, or surreptitiously glance around for that kid who always seems to be near right when you have some secret shit to drop. Plus, having a girls’ chat with the blinds up and party lights on is the ultimate power move. Sometimes life in a white-paneled fishbowl isn’t too bad.
5. The KAC: I’ll be honest, I haven’t been since fall of junior year (sorry mom), so anything you say here will never reach my open ears. However, do look out for professors during the 4-6 p.m. rush, because once a scandal is circulated through an English department email thread, you’ll never hear the end of it.