It’s Tuesday, and the weekend of parents is already a distant memory. Those whose parents deigned to show up were treated to a nice reunion and a hearty helping of guilt. Your parents witnessed your lifestyle, and they are disgusted. When’s the last time you ate a vegetable? For the next couple days or so it might be nice to try to make the family proud. And what better way to do so than filling your body with some actual nutrients? So, in a deep haze of shame, I present a guide to healthy eating in Gambier, OH.

Truth be told, it’s not always your fault that you don’t have very healthy eating habits. In this food oligarchy, controlled by the powerful few, there are only so many options. If you have any dietary restrictions, sometimes you’ll be hard-pressed to find an option you can eat. When the cursory glance over Fusion, Comfort, Vegetarian, and International yield nothing, here’s the game plan:

Step 1: Run over to the salad bar. Get one of those rectangular plates that food always falls off of and load it up to capacity with vegetables. Don’t be picky. I’m talking about lettuce, spinach, celery, carrots, cabbage, and any other vegetables that are slipping my mind at the moment.

Step 2: Consume that entire plate in a guilt-fueled rage. Just go to town on that plate of vegetables. Honestly, vegetables have become so synonymous with healthy eating at this point that I couldn’t tell you what the other food groups are. There’s everything else, and then there’s the healthy veggies.

Step 3: Realize you’re unsatisfied with your meal of raw leaves and return to the servery for some sweet, sweet carbs. They’re empty and meaningless, but they feel good going down.

Step 4: Finally, and most crucially, make a cup of tea. Even if you hate tea, it’s a refined drink of the intellectual elite, and you deserve to look like hot shit after eating that plate of green. Rest easy in your new-found sense of superiority, you beautiful mess.