Kenyon students are nothing if not scam-able. Our very being here is a big scam. For example, most all of you probably thought that you would have a physical library to study in and a peril-free apartment to live in. But, instead, you got the janky Kenyon we all know and love.

Anyway, I just need thirty minutes of your time to explain these company I’ve been working for. If you take the leap, it has the potential to change your life. NONE of these products will be seen in stores. And lucky you– all you need to participate is a blue Freitag, three years of an American Studies degree under your belt, and roughly a quarter of a million dollars.

A poetry exchange that will make you realize you don’t have 20 friends who you feel comfortable cold emailing poetry to

Sister– I know I only know you from that one time in the Ganter bathroom, but I felt a deep connection to you and your beautiful soul. A dear friend of mine started this chain– an exchange of sorts– it’s a one time thing and we have hand picked you to participate. Send a Girlpool, Soccer Mommy or Mitski lyric that helped you get through your walk all the way from your New Apt to Lentz for your 8:40 last semester to the next person on this list. Don’t antagonize over what to choose. Seldom does anyone drop out because all of us listen to the same repetitive bedroom pop and it feels good to know you’re both edgy, but not too much so.

A network of acquaintances in Photo 1 to take Facebook profile pictures for you

Hello lady! I’m reaching out to see if you have any interest in hosting a New Profile Picture party…… I’m in Photo 1 and I am trying to expand my network in hopes of finding more people to take pictures of holding a piece of diaphanous cloth over their face….🙍‍♀ I know your FB prof pic is from your senior year of high school so I was wondering if you were interested😍 you would of course get the first pic😃 Hot girls, but not conventionally so only……….. :) 👉

Graduate School, but it never ends

Hey, Hun! I saw that you just declared your English major and knew that I had to reach out. I was an English major at Kenyon back in the day, and I, too, felt that zeal to talk about literature and maybe, just maybe, someday venture into the big wide world of academia. At least I had a library to do it in lol!! I try to avoid reaching out like this but I was wondering if you would ever consider getting being a rep for Grad School? All you have to do is finish up your studies at Kenyon and make the rash decision to go straight to a Masters program. I know it might seem iffy to to pay for knowledge upfront, but the payoff is huge. Did you know they literally PAY you to read books all day once you get into a PhD program?! All you have to do is devote years on end and your entire soul to a niche topic that will only make you more unrelatable than you already were AND earn you pennies on the dollar. After that, it’s smooth sailing to get a professorship– in cool cities like Gambier! You’re already on your way to getting tenured:) lmk if you’re interested.

A housing lottery system for those with the disposable income to purchase a top tier lottery number

After seeing the prowess with which you promoted your WKCO show on Facebook last semester, I identified you as a mover and a shaker. I also heard, through the grapevine, that you got the second to last lottery number in the senior class. I know it sounds crazy, but a North Campus Apartment is still in reach. All you need to secure your spot in the most sought after living situation on campus, the well equiped party space of your dreams is the drive to get there. I’m offering you a chance to live with YOUR goals in mind. Have the disposable income to spend at the Market because Peirce is too far? Dream about hearing your clogs clomp up the those stairs with the comforting yell of a tea kettle in the background? YOU make the rules. YOU are your own boss. All you need is parents willing to pay the person with the first time slot to switch with you and seven people who you grew up down the street from in Park Slope to fill the rooms. Simple as that. I know we don’t know each other, but you’d be stupid to pass this up.