Every day, I walk down the same two streets to the same six places and I think to myself, “Is this all there is?” I read a self-help book and it said that the first step to feeling like you’re in control of your life is to take control of your life. This is my first hardship and I’m turning to a life of crime. The objective? Whimsy.

1. Steal a Campo golfcart. Put a raccoon in one of the Campo golfcarts. Put pedal to the metal and let Ricky take control.
2. Steal 400 condoms from Crozier and replace them with 400 different condoms.
3. Break into the processing room of the Gambier post office. Switch the mail of two Kenyon students. They have to find the owner of the mail they received–then, love? (Did you know that mail tampering is a felony? Because it is and I will commit it to get some Nora Ephron vibes flowing.)
4. Is petting a raccoon a crime?
5. I collect every discarded Natty Lite can over Halloweekend to build a Moxie obstacle course on the lawn of Harcourt Parish, American Ninja Warrior Style. If he fails, the Thrill editor who hates Moxie the most will drop kick him into the sun. If he wins…well…
6. Incite a fight between the Thrill editors about who hates Moxie the most.
7. Impersonate the identity of a Campo officer and shut down a Ganter party just to mop the floor.