This Campus Needs a Vibe Check

Just another underpayed pro golfer with a medical degree.

Ayo, fam, Dr. Party Monster MD here. I just wanna let y’all know that the following letter contains sensitive, confidential medical information about a patient: Kenyon College.

The Thrill Diagnostics

Gambier, OH 43022 



Kenyon College 

103 College Road 

Gambier, OH 43022

Re: [Kenyon College; DOB: 7/24/1825; SSN: 420 69 8008]

To Whom It May Concern:

My patient Kenyon College is severely in need of a vibe check. It is limited in daily activities and is unable to vibe on a sustained basis. My findings have been confirmed through a physical and neurological examination including evaluations of litness, wokeness, quirkiness, cringeness, intellect, and apathy. Kenyon College’s symptoms include lack of parties, bad weed, all-stu beef, influx of house shows, house show advertisement paper waste, Moxie obsession, mods, fake Health Center, New Apt nastiness, dangerously low levels of administrative wokeness, disappearance of ginger ale from Peirce, students still eating at Chipotle, policing of Old K patio smoking, mod monopoly on staplers, and Chilito’s lighting. The consequences of non-vibing individuals going on without a vibe check can be severe. These effects can result in the patient becoming a normie, or worse, canceled. In my medical opinion, due to physical impairment Kenyon College is unable to resume any type of gainful chilling, schmoozing, or engaging with analytical texts until the vibe check is performed and the patient is treated. Not vibing is a progressive disorder, and while disability can be delayed with treatment, it can not always be cured. My expectation is that Kenyon College will see a continued decline in function over time unless serious steps are taken to restore the vibes.


The Thrill Diagnostics


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