First-Years You Will Accidentally Converse With In The Common Room

In order to find the people you click with at Kenyon, you have to be willing to put yourself out there. And what I’ve learned during my two months on this hill is that “out there” usually means out of the comfort of your dorm and into your building’s common room. Maybe you could even find your future spouse there, scrolling through their phone on a 20-year-old leather couch, who knows! But while this is a sure possibility, it’s also likely that you’ll have to talk to a variety of characters before finding your people. These are just some of them.

  1. The Nice Guy™: “Anyone sitting here?” you ask, gesturing to the space next to him. “Just you,” he responds hastily. He seems totally non-threatening. That is, until he throws in a “Can I just say, you are actually mad chill, tbh” while placing his hand on your inner thigh. It isn’t the physical contact that shocks you most, but the fact that he said “tbh” out loud. You tell him kindly that you aren’t interested. This causes him to storm off. Later, you overhear him talking to his roommate about how confusing it is that you were laughing at his jokes without wanting to have sex with him. You successfully steer clear of this guy until you see him on Middle Path the following week. He throws you a peace sign while making unblinking eye-contact for far, far too long. 
  2. The Compulsive Door Dasher: “You want a slice?” he asks, gesturing to the two Domino’s pies laid out in front of him. You nod, grab a piece, and go about your day. That evening, after dinner has passed, you decide to spend some time in the common room. Your Domino’s donator is there, this time with a spread from Chilitos. “You want a chip?” He asks, and you accept. You chat with him a little before leaving to get some sleep before your 8:10. The next morning you see Door Dash Boy. He is sitting by himself with an entire breakfast buffet set before him. As he gobbles down a stack of pancakes, you think to yourself this is weird, but at least I won’t feel totally lost if I ever have to stay on campus for Thanksgiving. 
  3. The Girl Who Has A Paper Due Tomorrow, Guys Be Quiet So She Can Finish Her Paper: “Hi,” you say, smiling and sitting across from her. In response, she just clacks her laptop keys louder. There is an uncomfortable pause. She looks over her screen at you. “I’m sorry, did you say something?” she says. “I’m really stressed out. This paper is due first thing tomorrow and I’m just starting it.” You nod understandingly. You don’t ask her why she would choose to write her essay in the crowded common room. As if on cue, a group of rowdy foosballers erupts in howls. “Guys! I have a paper due tomorrow! Please be quiet so I can finish my paper!” Paper Girl says. You take that as a cue to leave her alone.
  4. The Try-Hard Foosballer: You approach the foosball table. The boys are still in the midst of their heated game. A boy who introduces himself as Tyler moves to the side so that you can be on his team. You begin to play defense. After a bit of back and forth, the ball slips past you and the other team scores a goal. They celebrate by yodeling. “Shut up, Tyler,” your teammate mumbles. “Aren’t you Tyler?” you ask, confused. “He’s also Tyler. We’re both Tyler,” your partner answers. As the game continues, the Tyler on your team gets progressively more intense. He says the word “C’mon” upwards of 10 times and the word “Dude” upwards of 20. Eventually, opposing Tyler scores again. Your Tyler yells at you, questioning your optical abilities. You step away from the table not just because he was being disrespectful, but because he spat a little when he yelled at you, and that’s just gross. You decide to go to your room and lie down for a bit.

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