Why Not To Choose Kenyon

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The deadline for the first early decision is coming at the end of next week, which means the beginning of a large process in which countless prospective students start imagining what their lives could look like during the next four years at Kenyon. Admissions provides a myriad of material explaining why you should choose Kenyon, but The Thrill believes in the importance of giving all prospies the ability to make this decision with nuance, and so we present the definitive list of reasons not to come here.

  1. No Olin: The library (Olin-Chalmers) was torn down at the end of the 2017-2018 academic year. We’re getting a new library, but, like, eventually. There’s no telling how long you will have to study in a crowded bookstore, crowded dining hall, crowded modular unit (read: trailer), or will have to wait for the books you want to check out to be driven up from wherever they keep them now.
  2. No Chili’s: There is no Chili’s near us. There is only “Chili’s Too” in the airport and that is an inadequate substitute. We live in a Chili’s desert:
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  3. Every season is mud season: Do you have pants that will still look good with mud splashback? If you’re considering an undergraduate degree from Kenyon, I hope so.
  4. Ohio is landlocked: The lake does not count.
  5. Kenyon Kink Club doesn’t exist anymore: When I try to walk my pup on Middle Path I get booed now.
  6. It is very small: Kenyon likes to brag about its small class sizes, which can be nice, but then you end up in the same classes with everyone in your major all of the time and if you say something dumb once you can never escape it.
  7. Every day you will wake up hacking from all of the corn mold: Too much corn.
  8. We have like nine a cappella groups: Too much a cappella.
  9. Too many emails: I have 32,000 unopened emails, which, on top of all the opened emails, is just too many emails.
  10. Do you have $60,000+?: I mean, if you do, hey, good on you.

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