An Open Letter to The Person Who Created This Atrocity

Photo Sep 15, 4 04 18 PM

Dear valued community member,

What the hell is happening here?!If you cannot see clearly, this is an ash-filled, cigarette waste container that has plagued a downright lovely bench and bike rack. It is a breeding ground for both my OUTRAGE and surely countless mutations of microbial life. It is nasty and someone needs to take a stand. So buddy, I’ve got a few things to say to you.

First of all, it doesn’t have to be this way. You could vape instead of this– then your nicotine addiction would taste like cotton candy and the worst that could happen is your lungs explode. I didn’t read those articles very closely but that’s what my main takeaway was. Smoking real cigarettes in 2019 is a byproduct of the “I only read physical books because the feeling of paper is part of the experience” complex and I’m not into it. You and your record player can get the hell out of my Kenyon College.

If this was some kind of science experiment, maybe I could justify it. Fine. I am a lover of wildlife and the smaller the better, as a general rule. How about a label, “YOUR NAME’s science experiment, please don’t touch!” And then I will find you. And I will make you reckon with the error of your ways. Drink. The Bottle.

Or is this a social experiment? Am I a pawn in your game of cat and mouse? Will the self-righteous first-years collectively take action to restore a better, universal aesthetic, or will one brave soul write unclear articles in The Thrill with no apparent purpose, because no one’s laughing and isn’t this supposed to be a humor blog? You can decide on that one, brave soul.

But I can say one thing for certain. Your reign of terror has come to an end. That’s right. No, I’m not DOING anything myself. I’m telling my mayor Leeman Kessler about this.

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